Title:      The Subtext
Author:     Viv Martella's Ghost
Email:      martellas_ghost@yahoo.com.au
Fandom:     The Bill
Pairings:   various m/m and f/f
Rating:     PG? (I can't do ratings).  Contains non-explicit same sex
            rolls in the hay and some hetty bits.
Status:     complete new story
Length:     c.7800 words
Category:   parody
Summary:    TDC Kane finds out how deep the rabbit hole goes
Archivals:  Jasmine Alley and Fabulae if they like it.
            Anyone else - please ask first
Spoilers:   Minor, for seasons 18 and 19
Feedback:   Luv it
Disclaimer: See end of story for full credits. Almost none of this
            belongs to me.  I just stole it, dissected it, did rude
            things to it and put it back together wrong.  Don't sue me,
            it ain't worth it and I've made no profits whatsoever.
            Just a big old harmless fan.
Notes:      Written for the Fabulae August 2003 Alternate Universes
            challenge.

 *************************************************************

The Subtext

 PC Bradford raised her binoculars for another glance.  Rain trickled
softly down the windows of her obbo car, obscuring her view a little.
The target had left his curtains open, making the inside of his flat
brightly visible in the dark night, so that was something at least.
Inside the flat, he stood and moved to another room, out of sight.
Bradford lowered her binocs and sipped her polystyrene flavoured tea.

She was startled by the car door opening, as DC Webb entered the
vehicle, brushing the rain from his leather jacket.

"You weren't supposed to relieve me," said Bradford.

"I know, but I felt like taking your shift.  What's he up to?"

"Not a lot.  Got his trousers off watching the box."

"Here, gis a look."

Webb took the binoculars from Bradford and searched for the target.
Bradford couldn't help noticing the eagerness in his face.

"You like him, don't you?" she hissed.  "You like watching him."

"Leave it out.  Thought that was more your style."

A man clothed in a dark suit strolled down the street outside the flat
and cast a long glance their way, then disappeared into shadows.

"Here, are you sure they haven't clocked us?" said Webb.

"Yeah, course I'm sure."

"Come on, we better get out of here.  Just in case."

 ***

 "What now?" muttered PC Klein, turning to see which plonker was
disturbing the darkened tranquility of CAD this time.

It was TDC Kane.

"Oh, sorry, mate," said Klein.  "Thought you was the guvnor come to
tell me how to tie my shoes again.  What can I do for you?"

"Can you do a PNC check for me on these licence plates?  It's for DS
Hunter.  He wants it today."

Kane gave him a list.  Klein made a face.

"No problem.  Only because its you."

As Klein began typing in numbers, a call came through on the radio.

"Sierra Oscar from 171, receiving?"

"Sorry, Brandon, duty calls.  Help yourself to the PNC though.
Receiving, 171, go ahead."

Klein went to deal with the call and left Kane at the keyboard.  The
trainee detective constable tapped at a couple of keys, and then all of
a sudden the computer screen went blank.

"Bollocks," muttered Kane, hitting the escape key.

He tried various other key combinations to make the computer behave
itself.  Nothing happened at first, but then some words crept across
the screen and were gone.

Kane blinked at the screen, wondering if he was dreaming.

He'd thought they said: [Coming down the boozer, Kano?]

Just then Webb entered the room.

"Coming down the boozer, Brandon?" he said.

Kane stared at him, open mouthed.

"You all right?" said Webb.

"Yeah," said Kane slowly.  "I'm fine.  It's just this computer..."

He turned back to the screen and the PNC database was back, with a half
typed in list of licence plates, just as Klein had left it.

"You know, I think I will have that drink," said Kane, taking his
leather jacket from the back of the chair and waving goodbye to Klein.



Webb returned from the bar with two pints.

"Cheers, Mickey."

"Yeah, cheers."

They clinked glasses and Webb sipped his thoughtfully, looking at Kane,
who was clearly still a little frazzled.

"You know, Brandon, I brought you down here for a reason."

"To get me hammered, yeah?"

"No, not this time.  No, look it's something I need to tell you."

He seemed serious.  Kane put down his drink.

"Go on, then."

"Well, it's just... I know what you've been doing, right.  I know why
you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night you
work endless hours of overtime on mysterious cases that you never talk
to anyone about."

"Oh yeah?" said Kane, a rather guilty expression on his face.

"You're looking for him.  I know, because I was looking for the same
thing once.  But when he found me, he told me it weren't really him I
was looking for.  I was looking for an answer.  It's the question that
drives us both, Brandon.  It's the question that brought you to Sun
Hill in the first place.  You know the question just like I did, don't
ya?"

Kane glared at him, clenching his jaw.

"Well, don't you, Brandon?"

Kane sighed, and nodded.

"What is The Subtext?"

"'Sright," said Webb.  "And the answer is out there.  It'll find you if
you want it to."

Without warning Ashton and Gilmore plonked themselves down in the booth
beside them.

"Right then, what's everybody having?" said Gilmore.

Kane smirked at Webb and ordered another pint.

 ***

 The alarm clock's atonal shrieking pounded in Kane's head as he
reached yet again for the sleep button.  With the half eye that was
open he noticed it was nearly 10am.

"Shit, shit, shit," he said, dragging himself out of bed.  Poofters
sure can put it away, he thought miserably, pouring himself a cold cup
of coffee.



"Do you have a problem with authority, Brandon?" snapped Acting DI
Nixon as Kane jogged into the office with his shirt untucked and heavy
bags still under his eyes.  "You've got a choice, detective constable.
Either you choose to be at your desk on time from this day forward or
you find yourself on report.  Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal, guv."

Kane took his seat and fidgeted with a stack of paperwork for a minute,
but was distracted when DS Hunter entered the room and had words with
Nixon.  They seemed to be looking his way, though it was hard to tell
what Hunter's eyes were doing through his sunglasses.

"Oh shit," muttered Kane.

He got up quietly and tried to make a beeline for the door.  When
Hunter blocked his way, he went back to the window, and opened the
glass doors, thinking to try his luck on the balcony.  He leaned over
the railing, but couldn't quite gather the courage to leap the 10 feet
down to the ground.  Must be the hangover.

"TDC Kane," said Hunter, placing a hand on his shoulder, "come with me,
son."



Hunter threw Kane into interview room two and closed the door, turning
on the light that told the station the room was in use.  There was a
manila folder filled with papers and photographs on the table.  Hunter
pressed Kane into a seat then sat down opposite him, flashing an evil
grin.  Kane folded his arms.

"What's all this about, sarge?  I'm sorry about those licence plates,
I'll get onto them right away."

Hunter opened the folder and tossed some rather revealing photographs
of Kane in his direction.

"As you can see, TDC Kane, I've had my eye on you for some time now,"
he said with an evil gleam in his eye.  "Seems to me you're living two
lives.  In one, you're a brown-nosing little git of a trainee detective
constable, you obey orders, do as you're told and generally get on
everybody's tits by being such a nice guy.  In the other, you're a perv
and a sicko - out every night cruising Canley Fields looking to pick up
any pillow biter who'll have you and guilty of committing virtually
every deviant crime we have a law for.  One of these lives has a
future.  The other don't."

"So arrest me," said Kane defiantly.

"Now, now.  Don't get your knickers in a twist.  You're here because I
need information.  I know young Mickey Webb's been bending your ear
lately.  I also know that he is part of one of the most dangerous homo
gangs in Sun Hill.  So I think, being the brown noser that you are, you
might want to do a deal with me.  I'm willing to bin this file and
these photos and wipe your slate clean.  All you have to do is help
bring this gang of known shirt lifters and bull daggers to justice."

"Sod off," said Kane, giving Hunter the finger.

"You disappoint me," said Hunter smoothly.  "I'm afraid I'm gunna have
to try plan B then."

Standing up and buttoning his jacket, he socked Kane hard on the nose.

Hunter went blurry in Kane's line of vision, then everything went
black.

 ***

 Kane woke up in his flat, head pounding even more than it had been
that morning.  It was dark out - night time already.  Gingerly, he
lifted his head to get out of bed.  As he got to his feet, the phone
rang.

"Hello?"

"Brandon, it's me."

"What's going on, Mickey?  I don't know if I'm waking or dreaming,
everything's gone all weird.  And I've had Hunter wiping my nose with
his knuckles."

"Yeah, sorry about Hunter.  I was too slow, I couldn't stop him.  But
there's someone I want you to meet."

Kane's eyes widened.

"You mean... h-him??"

"Yeah.  Come down to the canal, the Adams Wharf.  I'll be right there,
just wait for me."



The rain was teeming down at Adams Wharf as the station van drove up.
The back door opened for Kane.

"Get in," said Webb from the back seat.

Kane got in.

"Hi Eva," he said to the driver, and DC Sharpe nodded back at him.

"Hello, Brandon," said DS McAllister from the front passenger seat,
pulling out an enormous pistol and pointing it at his head.  "Take off
your shirt."

"What?"

"Listen, Brandon, you've only been here five minutes and I'm in charge
right now.  So do as you're told, there's a good constable."

"Sorry, Brandon," said Webb.  "It's for your own good.  We think you've
been bugged."

Gritting his teeth and flashing a grumpy look at them all, Kane tore
off his leather jacket and shirt.

"Lovely," said Webb, running his finger slowly over every inch of
Kane's chest and belly with particular attention to his snail trail.

"Nice," said McAllister, eyes busy.

"H-h-hm," said Sharpe from the driver's seat.

"Sorry, babe," said McAllister.  "Old habits."

"So where's this bug then?" spat the grumpy Kane.

"Er," said Webb, looking a bit guilty.  "Looks like you're clean after
all."

"Are you sure you heard right when your informant said *bugged*,
Mickey?" smirked McAllister.

Sharpe pulled over outside an abandoned warehouse.

"This is it," she said.

Webb led Kane to the warehouse entrance.  He opened the roll-a-door to
reveal a cosy room with a fireplace and some comfortable old armchairs.
A bald man stood before the fire wearing a long leather coat.  He
turned as Kane entered.

"Guv," said Kane.

"Er, don't call me that here, Brandon.  Sorry, I mean Kano."  DCI
Meadows cleared his throat and resumed his theatrics.  "As you no doubt
have guessed, I am Meadpheus."

"You what?"

"Meadpheus.  The bloke you've been looking for all these years."

"Oh.  Wow, guv.  It's an honour."

"No, Kano.  The honour's all mine.  I've been looking for you my whole
life."

"Steady on, guv."

"No, I'm serious.  You are The One, Kano."

There was a crack of thunder.  Kane cleared his throat.

"Is this some kind of wind up?"

"No.  Have a seat."  They sat in the armchairs.  "I know it must be
hard for you to accept.  But don't forget, you're here for a reason.
You're here because you know something.   What you know you can't
explain.  But you feel it - you've felt it your entire life.  That
there's something wrong with the world.  You don't know what it is but
it's there, like a splinter in your mind driving you mad.  It's this
feeling that brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?"

Kane gulped.  "The Subtext?"

Another crack of thunder.

Meadpheus nodded.  "That's right.  The Subtext is everywhere.  It's all
around us, even now in this very room.  You can see it when you look
out your window or when you turn on Corry Street.  You can feel it when
you go to work, in the CID office, in the locker rooms, when you're on
obbo, or at the pub at the end of the day.  It is the world that has
been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth."

"What truth?"

"That you are a fag, Kano.  But like everyone else you were born into
bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch.  A
prison for your mind.  A prison that restricts your whole sexuality to
the occasional glance or double entendre.  The prison that makes the
few openly gay men monotonously heart broken or in denial and forces
lesbians to be chic eye candy for perving straight boys."

Kano looked dubiously at Meadpheus.  Meadpheus continued.

"Look, I know you don't believe me.  Unfortunately, no one can be told
what The Subtext is: you have to see it for yourself."

"Okay."

"This is your last chance.  After this there's no turning back.  Do you
understand?"

"Yes, guv."

"Right."

Meadpheus held out two pills, one red and one blue.

"If you take the blue pill, the story ends, and you'll wake up in your
bed and believe whatever you want to believe.  If you take the red
pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole
goes."

Kano took the red pill.  He started to feel a bit funny in the head.

"What is it, guv?  Are you feeding me class A drugs?"

"Worse than that, Kano.  It's my own cocktail of ecstasy, LSD, sodium
pentothal and more.  Enjoy the ride."

The world swirled around Kano and he saw his whole life flash before
him.  That boy at school who showed him his willie in the first grade.
Watching Ernie and Bert on Sesame Street, intrigued by their shared
bed.  His first awkward kiss with a girl.  And then his marriage, night
after night of pretending, trying to enjoy it, but knowing it was
wrong.  His envy at his wife after they split up, envy over her
happiness with another woman.  And the night he spent with Cathy
Bradford, trying to prove... what?  Then men, men everywhere,
policemen, villains, the cute boy at the greengrocers, that bloke that
sold him his leather jacket, and all those endless nameless faces from
Canley Fields...  Kano knew that Meadpheus was right.

"Welcome to the real world," he heard Meadpheus say when the swirling
pictures faded.

Kano looked around him.  He was still in his armchair at the warehouse.
But there was an open door to one side that he hadn't noticed before.

"What is this place, guv?"

"We call it Bent Headquarters.  See for yourself."

Meadpheus led Kano through the open door and into a huge but comfy
room.  It contained a little kitchenette, a big wooden table with
chairs and a few beanbags strewn around the place.  Off to one side
were a couple of secluded rooms with what looked like extremely large
beds in them.  One of these rooms was marked 'Geezers' and the other
'Birds'.  In the far corner of the large room was a workstation,
including a bank of little TV screens, a ham radio and a dodgy old
computer.  There was a sign on top of the computer monitor that
labelled it 'The Scriptwriter'.  Gemma Osbourne was sitting at the
computer, typing.

"This is where we work and live," explained Meadpheus.  "That
workstation's where we monitor what's going on out there and try to
hack into The Subtext where we can.  It's magic really.  We just write
it and it happens.  But we have to do it discreetly so they don't
notice before we're ready and tip off their Scriptwriter."

"They?"

"The Powers That Be.  And their lackey, Hunter.  You've encountered him
already I hear.  They've got it in for us and for our aims.  So we have
to be careful."

Kano looked around him.  The room was full of familiar faces, all of
whom turned to come and greet him, except for Osbourne, who continued
her work.   "I think you know everybody, though perhaps by different
names," said Meadpheus.  "You know Mickity of course."

Kano tittered.  "Mickity?"

"Yeah, whatever," said Mickity, blushing.

"Catheter obviously you know intimately."

Kano nodded at Catheter, having been reminded all too explicitly of
their night of intimacy by the red pill trip.  Catheter gave him the
once over with a resigned look, as if biting her tongue.

"Aplonk of course drove you here in the van," said Meadpheus.  Kano
smirked.

"Just don't say a word," said Aplonk levelly.

"This is Snitch."

"That's Sergeant Snitch to you, Kano," said Snitch, folding her arms.

"And those you didn't meet in the station van earlier, over there's
Tonk - "  Meadpheus said, pointing to Osbourne.  "And this is her
fellow scouser Dezzer."

"Mate," said Dezzer, offering a hand.

"And the skinny one behind you is Grease."

"Kano," said Grease, also extending his hand.

"Right, well I'll leave you to it then," said Meadpheus, going over to
Tonk and taking her place at The Scriptwriter.  Mickity took Kano to
the kitchenette to make him a cuppa as the others wandered off on
missions of their own.

"So how come you've all got such naff nicknames?" asked Kano, sipping
his tea.

"Oh, it's Meadows, innit?  Sorry, *Meadpheus*," said Mickity, rolling
his eyes.  "He's been watching a bit too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer
and got it into his head that we all have to have stupid names to work
better as a team.  He thought them up for us.  *Brilliant* mind that he
is."

"I see."

"Yeah, well, do yourself a favour and humour him, he's got a thing
about it."

"All right."

"So how'd you like the red pill?"

"Not bad, yeah.  Did you take it too?"

"Yeah.  While back now.  But it was Meadpheus who freed my mind too."

"Do you mind if I have a look around, Mickey?  Just to orient myself,
you know, get a feel for the place."

"Yeah, course, go for your life."

Kano wandered about the large room, looking everything over.  He poked
his head in the bedroom marked 'Geezers' and was shocked to see Dezzer
and Grease hard at it on a bed that took up most of the room.

"That don't leave much to the imagination," he mumbled, turning to
leave discreetly.

"Here, wait up, mate," Dezzer called after him, stopping what he was
doing to Grease's leg and jumping off the bed starkers.  "That's the
whole point, innit?  No subtext here, mate.  All main text.  Am I
right, Greasybabe?"

"Yeah, that's right Dezzer, yeah," said Grease, luxuriating amidst much
black satin.

"You can, ah, join us if you like," offered Dezzer, putting a firm hand
on Kano's arm, intense eyes boring into him.

"No thanks, Dezzer.  I'll let you get on."

Dezzer's eyes grazed over Kano's body.  "Right.  Another time,
perhaps."

"Sure," smiled Kano, sneaking a peek at Dezzer's lower half as he
turned away.

"Sorry about that, Greasybabe, where were we...?" came Dezzer's voice
as Kano left the room.

Kano walked on, coming to the entrance of the bedroom marked 'Birds'.
He briefly caught a glimpse of Tonk having some very adventurous fun
with Aplonk and Snitch.  He blushed and moved on without another
glance.

"Kano," Meadpheus called to him from the workstation.  "You ready to do
some training?  And where's Tonk got to?"

Kano went over to the workstation and a half dressed Tonk soon came
running out too.

"Now Tonk here is going to load a scenario that we prepared earlier.
It's just to give you a feel of how this thing works.  It's going to
feel a bit weird, but just go with it, okay?"

Kano nodded.

"You'll have to wear this to stay in touch with us," said Tonk, handing
him a tiny earpiece.  "We'll be watching you on CCTV, so you can
communicate with us that way.  But it's just in case anything goes
wrong."

"What could go wrong?" asked Kano with a wry grin.

"You don't want to get stuck in any really nasty scenarios.  If I load
you into a dangerously hetty scene so that you can subvert it and
Hunter gets wind of it, their Scriptwriter could make you do all kinds
of horrible straight things.  Or worse, they could write you out of
existence."

"Nice."

"Yeah.  But if Meadpheus is right, and you're The One...  It's a very
exciting time."

She smiled at Meadpheus, who smiled back in a fatherly sort of way.

"Okay," said Meadpheus.  "Let's go."

In an instant Kano and Meadpheus found themselves patrolling Sun Hill,
down near the railway lines.  Kano giggled to see that they were both
wearing the old woodentop hats and uniforms.

"You see how easy it is?" said Meadpheus proudly.

Crowds of business people in black suits began to encroach on them from
all sides, and Kano and Meadpheus had to push to get through them.

"So why don't you just write a script that says everybody's queer and
be done with it?" asked Kano.  "Surely even Hunter can't fight against
something that huge?"

"No, it's not as simple as that.  If we write something too unfamiliar
too fast, nobody would accept it.  Believe it or not, most people don't
suddenly wake up one day and decide they're gay.  Unless we can make
direct contact and free their minds as we did yours, it's not going to
work.  But on the other hand, if we're too slow and subtle Hunter will
notice it and The Powers That Be will change it right back, may even
anticipate our next move.  So what we really need is someone to take
out Hunter.  He's their eyes and ears.  I think that someone could be
you, Kano."

Kano's hair ruffled as a train roared past them, and he caught a
brilliant flash of red out of the corner of his eye.  He turned to
look, and his eyes lighted on a very spunky man in a red taffeta dress
walking between them and the train track.

"Are you listening to me, Kano?  Or are you looking at the bloke in the
red dress?"

Kano swung round to look at him.  "No, guv, I'm listening."

"Look again."

Kano turned back and Hunter was standing by the railroad tracks,
sunglasses and all.

"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo," said Hunter, chewing gum and smiling, sunglasses
flashing in the daylight.  Meadpheus made a throat cutting gesture with
his finger and in a second they were back in the warehouse.  Some time
had passed while they were patrolling - it was now first light and the
crew sans a yawning Tonk were all sitting around the table eating
breakfast.

"You've got to pay more attention, Kano.  Hunter could be anywhere,
anytime."

Kano nodded.  "Guv."

"You might as well know.  I think you are the one to bring him down.
No, scratch that.  I *know* you are the one to bring him down.  You're
The One, Kano."

"How'd you figure that?" said Kano doubtfully.

"Well, look in the mirror, Kano.  Who could resist that?"

Meadpheus wandered off to the breakfast table.  Kano looked at himself
in the mirrored wall for a moment and pondered.  He shrugged: all he
noticed was that he needed a shave and his nose was bruised.  His belly
growled.  He couldn't remember the last time he ate solid food - it
must have been two days ago.

Following Meadpheus to the table, he sat down to a breakfast of larded
up bacon and slightly congealed eggs.  He poked at them gingerly.

"Sergeant Snitch's turn to cook," explained Dezzer.

"Now hang on, I happen to be a very good cook, thank you very much,"
whined Snitch.  "Aplonk, defend my honour."

"Oh yeah," said Aplonk dryly.  "Cooks up a lovely bowl of cornflakes,
this one."

"Well I've never heard you complaining before," said Snitch, feelings
hurt.

"That's probably because breakfast usually comes right after bed,"
fluttered Aplonk, glancing conspiratorially at Dezzer, and drawing a
pleased pout from Snitch that ended the argument.

Kano forked some rubbery egg into his mouth.  He didn't touch the
bacon, reminding the slightly put out Snitch that he was a vegetarian.
Presently he felt a finger tap him on the shoulder, and turned to see
Grease smiling at him from the next seat.  "I believe you've just
finished the training scenario, Kano."

"That's right."

"What did you think of her, then?" asked Grease eagerly.

"Here it comes," muttered Aplonk, nudging Snitch in the ribs.

"Who?" asked Kano.

"The train, with the red carriages.  I designed her myself.  Mind you,
I stole whole chunks from J.K.Rowling's specifications for the Hogwarts
Express.  I can arrange a private scenic tour if you'd like, through
any of the major railway routes of Europe or Asia.  I've got the
scenarios all mapped out.  That is, if you're interested of course."

"Literary travel agent, hard at work," sneered Snitch.

Kano smiled good humouredly.  "Another time, Reg."

Grease raised his eyebrows.  "Yeah, well, just ask.  Don't be shy."



"All right, team," said Meadpheus when they'd finished eating.  "We've
been up all night.  Time to get some kip.  You right to obbo the CCTV,
Catheter?"

"Fine, guv.  You all get some rest."

"OK."

All but Catheter moved towards the bedrooms.  Tonk, Aplonk and Snitch
said their goodnights and retired to the Birds room.  Kano had a bad
feeling about this.

"Um... are we all sleeping in the same room?"

"Of course," said Meadpheus.  "There's plenty of room on the bed for
all of us."

"Cosier this way," confided Mickity as they entered the Geezers room.

The other blokes all stripped to nothing and got into the enormous bed.
Dezzer and Grease cuddled up together and Meadpheus was squeezed
between them and Mickity.  Kano hesitated.  Mickity patted the bed.

"Come on.  I'll look after you."

Kano took off most of his clothes and lay down on the edge of the bed.
It had been a very strange couple of days, he thought, lying there
trying not to move or breathe loudly.  He was glad when he heard Dezzer
and Meadpheus start snoring almost straight away.  Mickity seemed to be
asleep too, as he rolled over and threw a lazy arm around Kano's chest.
Exhausted, Kano eventually let himself drift off to sleep.

 ***

 Hunter rolled over, satisfied, and lit a cigarette.  His sunglasses
had fallen off and rolled under the sheets somewhere during the
meeting.

"Do we have a deal, PC Bradford?" he said sleazily.

"You know," began Catheter, working a hand down Hunter's body beneath
the covers.  "I know deep down I'm queer as ninepence like everybody
else.  I know when I touch you like this - "  She shifted her hand and
Hunter sighed.  " - that I'm just conforming to societal expectations
and fulfilling my socially constructed role as the female of the
species.  But after three weeks in that place with those deviants, you
know what I realise?  Conformity is bliss."

"So we have a deal?"

"I never want to do it again.  *Never*.  Life's hard enough without
being bent as well."

"Whatever you want," said Hunter, kissing her forehead.  He was
disturbed briefly by how much she looked like him - give her a haircut
and they'd be twins.

"I'll get you what you want," she said, climbing on top of him.

 ***

 When Kano woke he was alone in the big bed.  He heard the sound of
gentle rapping on the door.  Mickity entered, bearing a tray of food
that looked to be only a slight improvement on the bacon and eggs.

"For all his big mouth, Dezzer's not much better than Snitch at
cooking."

"Cheers, Mickey."

Mickity smiled and left him to eat.  But before he'd taken a mouthful,
Catheter was at the door.

"You never gave me a chance to bring you breakfast in bed," she said.

Kano looked at her, puzzled.  She batted her eyelashes at him, then
seemed to think better of it, and quickly slunk away again. Kano ate
some of the unappealing food, but was again interrupted by another
visitor, Meadpheus.

"When you're done eating," said Meadpheus, "I want you to get dressed.
We're going to see the Oragold.  The one who foretold of your coming,
and how you'd save us all."

"Why are we going to see her?"

"She'll tell you what you need to know.  She's very old.  She's been
round the block more than once, Kano, and knows everything."

"Okay, guv," said Kano, shrugging.



"Saddle up, folks," said Tonk as the crew crowded around The
Scriptwriter.  "It's time to make herstory."

She began to type, and suddenly Kano, Meadpheus, Mickity, Catheter,
Aplonk, Snitch and Grease were standing outside the nick in their best
leather jackets.  Why they couldn't have caught the bus, Kano didn't
know.  Meadpheus opened the door for them and they walked into the
station.

FDO Cryer accosted them as they tried to enter through the security
doors.

"Hi," she said at length.  "Where've you all been?  We've been worried
about you."

"Don't worry about us, Robbie," said Mickity as she buzzed them in.
"I'll tell you later, right?"

They strolled purposefully along corridors, Meadpheus leading the way,
and stopped at an office marked 'Inspector'.  Meadpheus opened the
door.  Like a TARDIS, the office was much larger on the inside than the
out.  The ante room looked just like Inspector Gold's office, but a
corridor Kano had never noticed before led mysteriously away to
somewhere else.

"I can only open the door, Kano.  It is you who must walk through it."

Kano stepped inside the office and Meadpheus followed.  The others went
elsewhere in the building, presumably pretending to be at work.

After a little wait, Acting DI Nixon approached Kano and Meadpheus from
down the mysterious corridor.

"Make yourself at home, Meadpheus," said Nixon.  "Kano.  Sorry about
yelling at you yesterday.  That was a glitch in The Subtext."

"No problem, guv."

"Come with me."  Nixon led Kano down the corridor into a large room
lined only with a copious number of pillows.  There were many people
lying all over the pillows, in same sex couples, all shagging
furiously.

"These are the other potentials.  You can wait here," said Nixon,
leaving Kano to it.

Kano searched the writhing crowd for a familiar face, and spotted Danny
Glaze doing something appalling to Duncan Lennox with a spoon.  The
spoon disappeared from view.  Lennox cried out in agony or ecstasy,
Kano wasn't sure which.

"Don't worry, Dunc," said Glaze, fishing around apologetically for the
spoon.  "Just remember, it's not the spoon that bends, it's only your
mind.  There is no spoon."

"There bloody is a spoon, you pillock," shouted Lennox, howling some
more.

"The Oragold will see you now," said Nixon, appearing suddenly at
Kano's ear.

 Nixon led Kano into a sort of kitchen.  There was a sink there and a
stove that looked unused.  The only produce Kano could see around the
place consisted entirely of whiskey and cigars.  The Oragold was there,
her back to him, pouring a couple of glasses and smoking.

"With you in a minute," she croaked.  She screwed the lid back on the
bottle and handed him a glass.  "Yes," she said, looking him over.  "I
can see why he likes you."

"Who?"

"Only one in the nick with a degree, and still no idea.  Never mind.
No surprises there, I spose.  Come on.  Drink up."

Kano sipped his whiskey.

"Look," he said.  "You're going to think I'm a complete plonker for
saying this, but I haven't the first clue what I'm doing here."

The Oragold looked at him mournfully.  "No, you don't do you.  Poor
sod."  She tapped him gently on the cheek with her fingers.  "Doesn't
matter, Brandon.  You're cute.  But you're not The One."

Kano laughed.  "Well Meadows seemed to have a strong idea that I was."

"Yes."  The Oragold drew long on her cigar.  "Poor Meadpheus.  Where
would we all be without him at the helm?"

She looked at Kano pointedly, and he sipped his drink.

"Give us a drag on that, would you?" he said, taking her cigar from her
and sucking on it.

"You know Meadpheus has been a mainstay against The Subtext for years,
Kano.  Every step of the way, slowly but steadily, he's been fighting
it.  But The Powers That Be have followed his every move, and he's
tired.  He's slipped up now and then, and if you let him he'll slip up
more.  There'll come a time when you'll to have to choose, him or you.
One of you will end up married again.  To a woman, I mean."

Kano handed back the cigar and let out a long sigh.

"Sorry to tell you like that, Brandon.  You make a great poof.  But the
choice is up to you."  She smiled.  "Drink your nice whiskey, there's a
good boy.  Cures all ills."

He drank.

"Go on, then.  Shoo," said the Oragold, with a wave of the hand, and
Kano left.

"What was said was for your ears only," said Meadpheus as they walked
out of the Inspector's office.  "Let's see if we can round up the
troops then."

They rounded a corner and slammed bang into Hunter.  He tidied his
sunglasses and straightened his jacket.

"That was your last mistake, *guv*," he spat, and walked off at pace.

"Oh no," said Meadpheus.  He made the throat cutting gesture again,
looking around wildly for a CCTV camera.  "There's one in the lobby,"
he said, taking Kano by the hand and jogging to the station entrance.



Hunter burst into CAD, where Grease was pretending to work alongside PC
Young and Sergeant Ackland.  Grease heard Tonk's voice in his earpiece
telling him to get out, and he made a run for the door.

"Uh-uh," said Hunter, shaking a finger at him.  Hunter looked first at
Young and then at Ackland, and the two women got out of their seats,
put aside their headphones and came towards Grease, hips rolling
seductively.

"Nooooo!!" screamed Grease.  But it was too late.  Hunter looked on as
the women ripped off Grease's clothes and took him on the floor.



"We're too late!" shouted Meadpheus as they reached the station lobby.
"Go, Kano.  Save yourself."

Mickity, Snitch and Aplonk came racing down the stairs from CID.

"Go on, all of you," ordered Meadpheus.  "Get Kano out.  He's the only
thing that matters now."

"Come on," said Mickity, grabbing Kano's arm and running out of the
station with him.

"Where's Catheter?" asked Aplonk as they ran down the road in the
direction of the warehouse.  "And why hasn't Tonk written us out of
this scene?"

"There's a CCTV on the corner," observed Snitch.  "Maybe she can't see
us."  They ran towards the CCTV camera with all their strength.



Catheter had appeared back at the warehouse long before.

"What are you doing here?" said Dezzer as Catheter heaved herself under
the roll-a-door.

"It was Hunter," she panted, running towards The Scriptwriter.  "I've
got to get them out."

She shoved Tonk aside and took her place at the keyboard.  As her
fingers whirred over the keys, Dezzer and Tonk felt a power beyond
their control grip their bodies.

"No," said Tonk with dread.

"No way," echoed Dezzer.  "I got over that ages ago."

But there was nothing they could do about it.  They embraced with
passion and snogged ferociously, and began to remove their clothes
hurriedly.

"Catheter, you blert," yelled Dezzer as he rolled about on the floor
with the naked Tonk.



Mickity danced about in front of the CCTV, waving his arms wildly.

"What's your problem, Tonk?  Get us out of here!"

"Hello, Mickity."

It was Catheter's voice.  They all heard it in their earpieces.

"You know, you're not half bad naked," drawled Catheter.  "I reckon I
could do you..."

"Something's not right," said Aplonk.  "Something's very not right."

Mickity had a sudden realisation.  "She got Tonk and Dezzer.  And gave
Meadpheus to Hunter."

Catheter continued.  "...But those two diesels really have to go."

As Kano, Mickity and Snitch looked on, Aplonk disappeared before their
eyes.  Snitch cried out and grabbed at the air where she had been.

Aplonk found herself in the house she shared with her gay husband Paul
and the kids.  She was in bed with Paul, and they were shagging for the
first time in four years.

"Oh, bloody hell," shouted Aplonk to the ceiling.  "We're not straight!
Do you hear me, Catheter?!"  She looked at Paul, who also seemed to
have panic in his eyes.  "Fuck!" she shouted, to no avail.

Catheter's reign of terror continued.  "If there's anything you need to
say to Snitch, Mickity, I suggest you do it now," she said ominously.

"Not like this," said Snitch, and like Aplonk, she disappeared from the
street.

Snitch found herself in bed with some bloke.

"Who are you when you're at home?" she said to him as he embraced her.

"I'm your cousin," said the bloke.  "Don't you remember?"

"Oh, please," muttered Snitch, slapping him uselessly.

"Now the big test," continued Catheter.  "If Meadpheus is right I won't
be able to convert Kano.  I won't be able to write myself into bed with
him ever again.  There'd have to be some kind of miracle to stop me."

Kano looked Mickity in the eye and opened his mouth as if to speak, but
no words came.  He waited for the moment he too would disappear from
the street.  Mickity returned his gaze, eyes wild with fear.

"What?" said the voice of Catheter, followed by a crackle and then the
signal went dead.



After grappling for a while with Dezzer, Tonk had mustered up all the
willpower she could manage.

"Let's roll over that way," she whispered to Dezzer, and together they
rolled towards Catheter, still hungrily clawing at each other.  "Now
you just kiss my foot or something while I do this."

She got to her feet but Dezzer was unable to stop himself from licking
her leg all over.

"Sorry, mate," whispered Dezzer.  "I s'pose I was straight a lot longer
than you.  I can't resist it."

Climbing out of his grasp as best she could, Tonk lunged at Catheter
and gripped her around the chest with one hand, while typing 'dezzer is
bent' with the other.  Dezzer immediately let go of her leg and jumped
onto the computer to change the rest of the story.

"Sorry darlin'," said Tonk to Catheter.  "But believe me when I say
this hurts me more than it hurts you."

She spun Catheter around and caught her in a passionate kiss.  Catheter
went limp in her arms.  All her attempts to conform were swept away,
with one snog from the delightful Ms Tonk.  She was beaten.  She was
bent, she knew that now.

"Mickity, Kano," said Dezzer into the ham radio.  "I'm getting you
out."

Dezzer bashed at the keys in clumsy two finger typing and eventually
Mickity and Kano appeared back at Bent Headquarters.

"They've got Meadpheus," said Kano.

"I know that," replied Dezzer.

"You alright?" asked Mickity, checking Dezzer for injuries.

"Just me pride hurt."

Kano looked over at Tonk and Catheter.  Catheter was trying to kiss
Tonk's ear.  Tonk was leaning away and saying "Get off me" a lot.

 ***

 "Have you ever really thought about it?" said Hunter to Meadpheus, who
sat tied to a chair in the DCI's office, his own office.  "How clever
it is, how very ingenious?  You know at first, The Powers That Be just
made everything totally straight.  No innuendo, no macho flirtation, no
ambiguous girls nights out, nothing.  But no one would accept it, it
weren't real enough.  Then they thought up The Subtext.  Just enough of
a tease to keep everyone interested.  But not enough to let you little
scrotes get your filthy paws on each other.  Brilliant."

Hunter opened the door and a stream of women came in - every woman he
had ever slept with, and every woman Meadows had ever slept with, and
then some.  Snitch was among them, casting very dirty looks at Hunter
but powerless to stop herself.  The women danced around Meadpheus,
caressing him, kissing him, touching him all over.  "What about Laura,
Mr Meadows - you remember her?  And Helen Freely?  And all those
others?  And let's not forget DS McAllister.  You are straight, guv.
Straight as a die.  I'm not going to let all those noncy urges of yours
come out any stronger.  You and your little band of queers are all
going down, and not on each other."

The women had left the door open, and the CCTV camera in the corridor
could now see into the room.  Kano and the others were watching every
horrifying moment.

"He's trying to get Meadpheus to tell him the access codes to our
Scriptwriter so he can wipe our hard drive," said Tonk despairingly.

"We can't leave him in there!" exclaimed Kano.

"We're too late," said Mickity with resignation.  "He's finished.
Don't worry about him.  You're what matters, Kano.  He sacrificed
himself for you, for us."

"No.  You don't understand.  The Oragold told me this would happen.  I
don't matter at all, I'm nothing.  Meadpheus has been leading this
fight against The Subtext for years, Mickity.  He's too important.  I
have to get him out before they destroy him."

"But you're The One, Kano."

"No, I'm not, Mickey."

"But you must be."

"I'm sorry, I'm not.  I'm just another bloke who wants to be with other
blokes.  It's not enough to sacrifice Meadpheus for."

Mickity saw that he was serious.

"Right, well I'm coming with you."

"You stay here."

"No, look, *trainee* detective constable.  All of us here have been in
the job a lot longer than you, so you better do as we say."

"Yeah.  That's right," said Dezzer.

Tonk and Catheter nodded.  Tonk got up to relieve the struggling Dezzer
of his typing duties.

"What do you need?" she asked Kano.

"Leather.  Lots of leather," replied Kano with a grin.

"You have to get him away from Hunter," said Tonk, typing.  "Then we
can write him back here."

"Okay.  Let's do it."



Kano and Mickity strolled into the nick, draped from head to toe in the
finest leather jackets, caps, chest harnesses, jock straps, chaps and
boots.  Their buttocks protruded neatly out the back of their chaps,
barely visible beneath the bottom of their jackets.  They marched
straight up to the DCI's office and stood in the doorway.

"Meadpheus," ordered Kano.  "Turn around."

Meadpheus could barely do anything, surrounded by a sea of gorgeous
women.

"Meadpheus, come on," pleaded Mickity.  "We've been through too much
together for you to go straight on me."

"Nice try," said Hunter.

But Meadpheus knew the voices, and slowly but surely turned his head.
He saw the vision of the beautiful Kano and the lovely Mickity in the
doorway.  He broke his bonds, and pushed through the women into
Mickity's arms.

"Get him out," ordered Kano.  "I'll handle Hunter."

Mickity looked worried.  "You sure?"

Kano kissed him on the lips.  "Never moreso.  Go."

Mickity smiled, and dragged the groggy Meadpheus down the stairs to
freedom.

"Try me," sneered Hunter.  The women who had tempted Meadpheus now
turned towards Kano.  Then more women came from all quarters of the
nick, filling up the second floor corridors and offices, all beckoning
to Kano.

"You're all lesbians!" screamed Kano at the women, but it was no good.
Hunter's Scriptwriter was too powerful.  Kano tried to push through the
crowd towards Hunter, but the women dragged him down onto the floor.

Back at the warehouse, Mickity watched with horror.  He grabbed the
mike of the ham radio.

"Get up, Kano, get up!" he begged.  "Kano, you can't be straight.  You
just can't be.  For god's sake, even your ex-wife's bent.  But the
point is, the Oragold told me I'd meet someone.  Someone I'd really
really want to shag.  And it's you, Kano.  So you can't be straight.
Cos I cream my jeans just looking at you.  You're The One, Kano.
You're The One."  He quietened his voice.  "Only don't tell Meadpheus
cos he'll go all jealous on me."

Struggling against the huge weight of so many women clambering over
him, Kano slowly pushed himself up with all his might.  Once he was on
his feet, he felt an unfamiliar strength fill his body.  He walked
easily past first one woman, then another, and another, and past all of
them, to Hunter.  Hunter backed up against a wall.

"You know you can't resist me," said Kano.  "No one can."

"No," said Hunter, suddenly fearful.  "You've got it all wrong, mate."

But Kano pushed on.  When he got to Hunter it all seemed so easy,
suddenly.  He kissed Hunter on the cheek.  It was enough.

"Nooo!" screamed Hunter, and disappeared with a puff of pink glitter.
All the women in CID suddenly stopped what they were doing and began to
file out, many swearing profusely and making gagging gestures.  The
only exception was Snitch, who made her way over to Kano.

"Come on, soldier," she said.  "We've got a lot to do."

Arms around each other in a purely platonic, friendly, solidarity kind
of way, Snitch and Kano walked out to the CCTV camera and waved at it.
It only took a few strokes of the keyboard from Tonk, and they were
back at Bent Headquarters.  Snitch spotted Aplonk, who it seemed Tonk
had recently rescued, and she ran into her arms.  Dezzer was consoling
a very distressed Grease in a beanbag.  Catheter was giving Tonk a
shoulder massage and whispering sweet nothings about repetitive strain
injury.  Meadpheus and Mickity stood arm in arm by The Scriptwriter.

"Well," said Meadpheus.  "The Oragold will be pleased."

He watched as Mickity's eyes fixed on Kano's, and Kano's on Mickity's.
He smiled.

"So perhaps I should go tell her.  Tonk, load me up, would you."

Tonk typed it and Meadpheus was gone.

Kano gazed at Mickity and Mickity gazed back at him.  Then Mickity took
him by the hand and led him to the Geezers room.  Kano followed
gratefully, smiling.

 ***

 Kano typed his words into The Scriptwriter.  It was a message to The
Powers That Be.

, he typed.  

"That'll learn 'em," said Mickity, leaning over his shoulder and
kissing his cheek.



The End.

 Disclaimer/Credits: A lot of the dialogue and most of the plot in this
story was stolen directly from 'The Matrix', which belongs to the
Wachowski Brothers and Warner Bros.  I hope that it is clear that I
intend no infringement of copyright at all, since I openly acknowledge
that the story is a parody of The Matrix.  I only parody it because I
love it.  The bits of the story that are not from The Matrix are from
The Bill, which belongs to Thames Television.  Again I intend no
infrigement of copyright, and again, do it only out of love.  I have
made absolutely no profit from writing this ridiculous story of two of
my favourite worlds colliding.  I have no money or assets so suing me
would be a waste of time.  Take the compliment.