DISCLAIMER:  Never seen'em before in me life, although the missus reckons
             they hang around with them Pearson lads at Number 28...

PAIRING:     Darlin' wee Reg and.. and... oh, God knows. Peevish!Jarvis?
             Hey, gimme a break -- he was wearing a mask, OK? [ grumble ]
             Like I'd be looking at their *faces* anyway...
RATING:      PG-13, theoretically H
SPOILERS:    Do what?

COMMENTS:    Written for Helen's Halloween challenge on Britslash. Takes place
             simultaneously with Claire's entry Trick or Treat and follows the
             same general premise in a "meanwhile, back at the ranch..." kinda
             way.

All my own fault, nae beta. This is what happens when you let people like
me play with the remote control.

============

Sahf Plod
by "Beta? Never touched 'er..."! kel

============

Scene: a room in the Sun Hill Sectionhouse

-- They won't get it.

[ rustle, zip ]

---- Oh, g'wan. It's the zeitgeist, innit.

-- You what?

[ unpack, shuck, shuffle ]

---- Oh.. never mind. You've seen it, right? So they will too. Stands to
reason.

-- Well... [ grin ] s'pose I am something of a natural arbiter of taste.

---- Well I was thinkin' lowest common denominator, actually, but...

-- Charming. [ thwap ] I'll do you for that.

---- Oh yeah? Gonna get out the Enforcer are you? [ grrowl ]

-- Not *now*.

---- Oh, g'wan...

-- Look, gerroff. I'm not in the mood. I'm warning you. Seriously...

---- Ooh, I love it when you're cross.

-- Very funny. Since when did you get enthusiastic?

---- Siiiince...

[ zip ]

-- Get off. [ zip ] Look, later, 'kay? Let's just get this stupid -.

[ zip ]

[ zip ]

-- Do that again and I'll...

---- You'll.... what?

[ zip ]

-- Right. That does it. That does it. [ step, peremptory zip ] Ow.

---- Serves you right.

-- Get stuffed.

---- And put that ...cigarette out.

-- You sound like my Gran, you do.

---- Don't care. Put it out.

-- Come on, no-one'll notice.

[ drop ]

---- A station full of cops and you reckon nobody'll notice?

-- They don't notice when Jim does it...

---- Yeah, but he smokes anyway. Put it out, now. You'll have the hall
warden 'ere in a minute...

-- Look, you talked me into this. Least you could do is let me rela--

---- Want me to do you for possession?

-- You wouldn't.

[ meaningful look ]

-- [ muttered ] fuck.

[ irritated stubbing ]

---- You young people, I dunno... Mind-altering substances [ grin ]

-- Yeah well, at least I've got a mind to alter.

[ thwap ]

---- Ow.

-- I know, I know. Drugs're bad, 'kay?

---- You do that so well...

-- Prat. You gonna help me with this or what?

---- C'mere. [ fumble ] That better?

[ furious scratch ]

-- These mittens are killing me.

---- Well, at least you got them on the right hands this time.

-- Very funny.

---- Come on. We'll be late.

-- No, seriously. I'm allergic to wool.

---- Rubbish.

-- I am.

---- Can't be, it's natural, innit. Probably the dye, is all. Enzymes 'n'
that. I was reading this mag-

-- You would be.

[ zip ]

-- Oh, for God's sake--.

[ smirk ]

---- Say sorry.

-- Sod off.

[ fumble ]

[ swear ]

[ fumble ]

---- Say sorry.

[ waits ]

-- Sorry.

---- Thank you.

-- Well, come on. Do it up...

---- Do it yourself.

-- I can't, with these fu--

---- Language.

[ glower ]

-- Please?

---- That's better.

[ zip ]

-- All the way up. Please.

[ zip ]

---- You're no fun, you know that. 'Ere, seen this?

-- What in God's name is it?

---- Beard. See?

[ flap flap ]

---- Mmmmnk. It's coming right for us...

-- Oh lovely. Now do "Koombaya".

---- Nah, I'm saving that for Alistair. C'n you pin this up for me?

[ sigh ]

---- Ow. Watch it!

-- Yeah, well. [ smug ] It's these bloody mittens, innit?

---- [ thwap ] Go on. Your turn.

-- What?

---- Practise.

-- I know my lines.

---- Yeah, but you gotta stop saying "kickarse". It's stupid.

-- So? I'll skip it.

---- You can't skip it. It's.. it's definitive. Go on, one more time. For
me.

-- Kickarse.

---- Oh, never mind. You still need to work on the voice.

-- Screw you, hippy!

---- Higher.

-- Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.

---- Perfect. And...

-- What?

[ long look ]

-- [ sigh ] Kickass.

---- See, I knew you could do it.

-- Christ. Can't I go as Kenny instead? I do a good Kenny, me.

---- George's going as Kenny. We agreed.

-- You agreed, you mean. That is so unfair.

---- You wanna thank your lucky stars, mate. You should see what Dave and
Tone've got lined up for 'im.

-- [ long-dawning smirk ] You bastards.

---- [ laugh ] Exactly. How do I look? [ flap ] Mmmmnk back in Da Nang...

[ flap, flap ]

-- Hey, stop that.

[ flap ]

---- No 'arm in it. Geddit? No arm in it?

-- Oh very funny.

---- Look, just get that 'at on, 'kay. And don't you lose it, cost me a
fortune down the market that did.

-- Blimey. Should've gone as the X-Files. You'd be perfect as Mulder.

---- You reckon? [ preen ]

-- Yeah. Whinge whinge bully whinge.

---- Oi!

[ pounce bzzzzip fumble ]

-- Reg...!

---- Y'know, I can just see you as Scully...

[ rustle, slide ]

-- Reg... Reg... stop that. Stop tha-

[ low giggle ]

---- You don't mean that.

-- I bloody well do, Steve'll be here in a min-

---- G'wan. Show us yer motor... [ giggle ]

-- Stop it! [ giggle ] I told you, I'm allergi-

---- Well I never, it does seem to be swelling...

-- Look, we 'aven't got ti-

---- It's comin' right for us...

[ giggle ]

-- Look...

---- Mmmmmm?

[ sigh ]

-- Oh, sod it.

---- [ indistinct ] Ki'kaff...

=== end ===