JASMINE ALLEY: THE BILL SLASH FICTION

Jasmine Alley : The Lockup : Elf Boy : The Secret Diary of Craig Gilmore

title:          The secret diary of Craig Gilmore
author:         elf boy
website:        http://www.geocities.com/elves_on_speed/
type:           parody
rating:         PG
spoilers:       contains references up to The Bill's episode 89.

notes:          this was inspired by 'the secret diary of George W
                Bush', which went around on the 'net a while ago.

Disclaimer:     The Bill belongs to Thames Television and ITV. I've just
                borrowed the boys for a little while. No infringement of
                copyright intended.

==========================

The secret diary of Craig Gilmore
by
elf boy


Day 1: First day at Sun Hill nick. Came out as gay at first briefing.
Relief speechless for about two minutes, before continuing usual
mindless chatter. Met fellow sergeants. Matt Boyden seems to have a
testosterone imbalance and June Ackland walks around with permanent
halo. Good cop, bad cop. Relief seem to be generally work-shy.

Day 4: Am totally distraught as to how much these people need to be
taught about the formalities of police work. Distributed handouts in
canteen during refs, which I made them read before they returned. Have
decided to choose pet names for everyone to make this gruelling
supervising task more entertaining. Was home late, dinner ruined. Sean
grumpy.

Day 10: Got to know Cheerful Tony, quite friendly. Had cup of tea with
him after obbo. Then decided I'm not really into men in their forties.
Will check out Tragic Jim next week, he's younger and seems to have nice
chunky bod.

Day 19: Dinner ruined again. Had to make extra effort in bedroom
department to make up for being home late.

Day 27: Made relief take all police vehicles to car wash over lunch
break while I organised some little vacuum cleaners, so that they could
clean the interior when they got back. Still can't understand why nobody
likes me. Introduced Des Taviner to my sharp tongue this afternoon,
flashed him my stripes and managed to shut him up for two minutes.

Day 39: Had to make my own dinner when I got home. Sean was out.

Day: 40: Am now getting distinct impression that Sean is avoiding me.

Day 51: All these women are driving me potty. Seemed to be less of them
at Manchester Central nick. Or at least I didn't notice them so much.

Day 53: Help! Des fancies me, he sent me flowers and card with
suggestive inscription. Must make him believe that I am interested. That
will freak him out.

Day 109: Nobody around here has a clue how to run a police station. I
should be Inspector, I'd make them all work double shifts. Must project
image of being knowledgeable and respectable sergeant with boyfriend at
home.

Day 247: Sean had to go off to deal with some sort of IT emergency in
Scotland. Not that I particularly care, but more importantly: what am I
going to eat while he's away?

Day 219: Am starting to strongly dislike English people, especially
women. Must find a way to get rid of that dumb Roz Clarke. Or maybe I
can take her home and she can cook me dinner.

Day 264: Sean back from business trip. Had to grovel in front of Saint
June to get off early to pick him up from airport. Sean grumpy as he saw
me. I swear, tonight he burned the food on purpose.

Day 335: Went to pole-dancing club with Pretty Boy Nick for an obbo. Was
disappointed when he wouldn't dance for me. He had more fun watching the
girls, I had fun watching his crotch.

Day 348: Evil Boyden now acting inspector. Sent out together with Tragic
Jim. Grrr.

Day 352: This time I'm out with that closet lezbo DC Sharpe. I bet Evil
Boyden is finding this very funny.

Day 362: Evil Boyden getting on my tits with his anti-gay comments. Saw
him checking out my legs at the footie match. Obviously gaydar isn't
working properly anymore.

Day 363: Payback time. Bought Boyden a bunch of cheap pink flowers from
Tesco's. Have never seen him look so scared.

Day 389: New inspector Gina Gold - came to work in long black leather
coat, smoked like a chimney and offered me whisky. Seems okay with gay
people, but dislikes the Welsh. Usually other way round in my
experience. Strange woman

Day 402: New kid at work, Luke Ashton. Seems to have left his brain at
home. Walked in on him when he was in shower - got good view of front
and back. My faith in English people is restored, hurrah!

Day 403: Lukey not much use except for reception desk. Pretty Boy Nick
says Lukey is still as dumb as he was before he decided his calling was
to wash peoples' dangly bits in the Sudan. For once, Evil Boyden seems
to agree with me.

Day 409: Investigated gay-bashing. Ashton has the sensitivity of a
rhinocerus. Looked like he'd never been alone in a room with three gay
men before. Quite amusing.

Day 410: Lukey might be a bit young for me after all. Oh well, will
stick to Sean for time being.

Day 427: Now Ashton wants to know whether I fancy him. Why does everyone
keep winding me up with this gay thing?

Day 443: Sean still nagging. Told him people at work are nicer to me
that he is, and more gorgeous looking.

Day 479: Sean had my stuff dumped in front of Sun Hill nick. Will now
have to sleep on my desk, which means I can finish off crime reports
each night before I go to bed.

Day 480: Night sergeant complaining about my snoring. I miss Sean, he
never would have got his knickers in a twist about that.

Day 485: Gina has asked me not to sleep in the office anymore because it
disrupts the work of the night sergeant.

Day 487: Gina handed me keys to a house she found for me. Then she threw
my removal boxes on the doorstep of Sun Hill nick. Am getting distinct
feeling of deja-vu.

Day 493: Sean came over to my place, kicked up a fuss and also the door.
Hope Luke takes this as a warning how not to behave with your ex.

Day 508: Now that I have got rid of Sean, decided to ask Lukey out for
date. Said he was going on date with Kerry. Kerry just as surprised
about this as I am.

Day 509: Apparently last night, Kerry took the opportunity to drag Luke
into bed, unsuccessfully. Tonight he kissed me. I'm winning this one,
bitch!

Day 511: Damn. Lukey all over Kerry again. Will have to find a way to
distract myself, possibly by acquiring Sean substitute.

Day 512: Boy Wonder not talking much to me now, especially not about the
full-on snog in my office. Have asked Pretty Boy Nick if he wanted to
come round sometime to watch some gay porn. He said he'd think about it.

Day 517: Hot one-nighter with new fella, Carl. More agreeable than Sean
the bitch queen. Lukey still doing sweet FA at work, but at least now I
have pleasant thoughts to distract myself from lusting after him.

Day 523: More embarrassment. Lukey's found out that I'm shagging Carl.
Not just that, apparently they went to school together. Me, a cradle-
snatcher - nice one!

Day 525: Talked Carl into having proper date. Kerry and Luke were there
too. Wore my favourite brown checked shirt. Carl hates the shirt, tried
to throw up on it, but missed and threw up on Kerry instead.

Day 527: Lukey is quite obviously shagging Kerry. Asked Lukey about
kissing in office but he says it was a wind-up. One-nil for Kerry. Blah.

Day 543: Another new queer PC, Gemma. Acting Superintendent Meadows is
opposed to my idea of holding a gay support group in the canteen after
9pm. Luke tried to arrest Carl today over nothing. Carl made a scene in
custody suite because he was very disappointed at absence of handcuffs.
How much more do I have to put up with?

Day 556: Reg had another asthma attack at work. Must talk to Gina
a.s.a.p. about benefits of a non-smoking office environment. Will
provide number of NHS helpline to quit smoking, maybe that'll get me boy
scout points.

Day 577: Gina says she likes me but finds me annoying. Don't know what
to make of that. Day 584: Carl crashed my Escort last week. Am well
pissed off. I really shouldn't have to be walking to work. Luke just got
engaged to Kerry. Not only do my feet hurt, my heart is hurting too. Day
613: Luke and Kerry's engagement party. Wore my other favourite checked
shirt, the blue one. Spent part of the evening wondering why Kerry and
Gina are so keen on taking me clothes shopping next Saturday. Day 616:
Carl is such a darling. He promised me to phone Kerry, stir the shit up
a bit and tell her that Luke's gay.

Day 619: Gina trying to get me to participate in Cop Idol. I turned down
her suggestion to sing Welsh national anthem. She insists that I at
least choose a Tom Jones track. Carl had better idea, but I put hot
coffee mug on his "500 Ayia Napa Club Trax, Vol.3" by mistake. CD
melted. Carl very pissed off. ooops. Well done, Craig.

Day 621: That bastard Carl. He's got AIDS and didn't tell me. Again
Ashton knows more about this than I do.  Claims to know it from Kerry,
but I don't trust that little bastard. Nick reckons that Luke is
shagging Carl behind my back. Then again, Pretty Boy Nick usually has a
bad gaydar - plus he's a big gossip queen.

Day 623: Am in the clear re:HIV. Good excuse to break up with Carl,
because he lied to me. I always knew I only really wanted Lukey anyway.
Must hurry as wedding is next week.

Day 628: Finally got Lukey into bed, but had to get him drunk first,
which had me wrangling with my own high morals. Only disturbed by Gina
falling through door, which I opened late at night to find some room
service. When questioned, she admitted trying to look through keyhole
all night, but couldn't see anything for the darkness. She also
complained about a stiff neck.

Day 629: I can't believe it, that bastard Ashton went and got married
today! Spent most of the day crying into a bottle of Glenfiddich, which
is not as easy as it sounds. Not even the prospect of seeing Gina's
embarrassed visage every day can make up for it.

Day 631: Back at work again. Thank goodness the little two-faced bitch
Luke Ashton isn't here. I hope he has a fatal honeymoon accident.

Day 658: Am keeping a sick-bucket in my office, as the lovebirds came
back today. Pretty Boy Nick was right, Luke is quite dumb. He got hit on
by another gay bloke and didn't even notice.

Day 665: Luke and Kerry sucking each other's faces off in the corridor.
Wish they would at least have the decency to use the stationary
cupboard.

Day 669: At least Luke could be nice to me - but no, not even that! On
top of all this, Kerry is now pregnant. And what about this Joe fella
who's still weaseling around Luke? 'Interested in buying the car' - my
arse!

Day 674: Not even Kerry believes me that Luke is gay. Probably also
thinks the earth is flat.

Day 682: Lukey slowly and surely sailing down a long river in Egypt.
Time to get a transfer, preferably Barton Street nick. I hope PC Davis
hasn't forgotten the little encounter he had with me a year ago, in the
showers of Stafford Row leisure centre.


The End.


	Jasmine Alley : The Lockup : Elf Boy : The Secret Diary of Craig Gilmore
		title: The secret diary of Craig Gilmore author: elf boy website: http://www.geocities.com/elves_on_speed/ type: parody rating: PG spoilers: contains references up to The Bill's episode 89. notes: this was inspired by 'the secret diary of George W Bush', which went around on the 'net a while ago. Disclaimer: The Bill belongs to Thames Television and ITV. I've just borrowed the boys for a little while. No infringement of copyright intended. ========================== The secret diary of Craig Gilmore by elf boy Day 1: First day at Sun Hill nick. Came out as gay at first briefing. Relief speechless for about two minutes, before continuing usual mindless chatter. Met fellow sergeants. Matt Boyden seems to have a testosterone imbalance and June Ackland walks around with permanent halo. Good cop, bad cop. Relief seem to be generally work-shy. Day 4: Am totally distraught as to how much these people need to be taught about the formalities of police work. Distributed handouts in canteen during refs, which I made them read before they returned. Have decided to choose pet names for everyone to make this gruelling supervising task more entertaining. Was home late, dinner ruined. Sean grumpy. Day 10: Got to know Cheerful Tony, quite friendly. Had cup of tea with him after obbo. Then decided I'm not really into men in their forties. Will check out Tragic Jim next week, he's younger and seems to have nice chunky bod. Day 19: Dinner ruined again. Had to make extra effort in bedroom department to make up for being home late. Day 27: Made relief take all police vehicles to car wash over lunch break while I organised some little vacuum cleaners, so that they could clean the interior when they got back. Still can't understand why nobody likes me. Introduced Des Taviner to my sharp tongue this afternoon, flashed him my stripes and managed to shut him up for two minutes. Day 39: Had to make my own dinner when I got home. Sean was out. Day: 40: Am now getting distinct impression that Sean is avoiding me. Day 51: All these women are driving me potty. Seemed to be less of them at Manchester Central nick. Or at least I didn't notice them so much. Day 53: Help! Des fancies me, he sent me flowers and card with suggestive inscription. Must make him believe that I am interested. That will freak him out. Day 109: Nobody around here has a clue how to run a police station. I should be Inspector, I'd make them all work double shifts. Must project image of being knowledgeable and respectable sergeant with boyfriend at home. Day 247: Sean had to go off to deal with some sort of IT emergency in Scotland. Not that I particularly care, but more importantly: what am I going to eat while he's away? Day 219: Am starting to strongly dislike English people, especially women. Must find a way to get rid of that dumb Roz Clarke. Or maybe I can take her home and she can cook me dinner. Day 264: Sean back from business trip. Had to grovel in front of Saint June to get off early to pick him up from airport. Sean grumpy as he saw me. I swear, tonight he burned the food on purpose. Day 335: Went to pole-dancing club with Pretty Boy Nick for an obbo. Was disappointed when he wouldn't dance for me. He had more fun watching the girls, I had fun watching his crotch. Day 348: Evil Boyden now acting inspector. Sent out together with Tragic Jim. Grrr. Day 352: This time I'm out with that closet lezbo DC Sharpe. I bet Evil Boyden is finding this very funny. Day 362: Evil Boyden getting on my tits with his anti-gay comments. Saw him checking out my legs at the footie match. Obviously gaydar isn't working properly anymore. Day 363: Payback time. Bought Boyden a bunch of cheap pink flowers from Tesco's. Have never seen him look so scared. Day 389: New inspector Gina Gold - came to work in long black leather coat, smoked like a chimney and offered me whisky. Seems okay with gay people, but dislikes the Welsh. Usually other way round in my experience. Strange woman Day 402: New kid at work, Luke Ashton. Seems to have left his brain at home. Walked in on him when he was in shower - got good view of front and back. My faith in English people is restored, hurrah! Day 403: Lukey not much use except for reception desk. Pretty Boy Nick says Lukey is still as dumb as he was before he decided his calling was to wash peoples' dangly bits in the Sudan. For once, Evil Boyden seems to agree with me. Day 409: Investigated gay-bashing. Ashton has the sensitivity of a rhinocerus. Looked like he'd never been alone in a room with three gay men before. Quite amusing. Day 410: Lukey might be a bit young for me after all. Oh well, will stick to Sean for time being. Day 427: Now Ashton wants to know whether I fancy him. Why does everyone keep winding me up with this gay thing? Day 443: Sean still nagging. Told him people at work are nicer to me that he is, and more gorgeous looking. Day 479: Sean had my stuff dumped in front of Sun Hill nick. Will now have to sleep on my desk, which means I can finish off crime reports each night before I go to bed. Day 480: Night sergeant complaining about my snoring. I miss Sean, he never would have got his knickers in a twist about that. Day 485: Gina has asked me not to sleep in the office anymore because it disrupts the work of the night sergeant. Day 487: Gina handed me keys to a house she found for me. Then she threw my removal boxes on the doorstep of Sun Hill nick. Am getting distinct feeling of deja-vu. Day 493: Sean came over to my place, kicked up a fuss and also the door. Hope Luke takes this as a warning how not to behave with your ex. Day 508: Now that I have got rid of Sean, decided to ask Lukey out for date. Said he was going on date with Kerry. Kerry just as surprised about this as I am. Day 509: Apparently last night, Kerry took the opportunity to drag Luke into bed, unsuccessfully. Tonight he kissed me. I'm winning this one, bitch! Day 511: Damn. Lukey all over Kerry again. Will have to find a way to distract myself, possibly by acquiring Sean substitute. Day 512: Boy Wonder not talking much to me now, especially not about the full-on snog in my office. Have asked Pretty Boy Nick if he wanted to come round sometime to watch some gay porn. He said he'd think about it. Day 517: Hot one-nighter with new fella, Carl. More agreeable than Sean the bitch queen. Lukey still doing sweet FA at work, but at least now I have pleasant thoughts to distract myself from lusting after him. Day 523: More embarrassment. Lukey's found out that I'm shagging Carl. Not just that, apparently they went to school together. Me, a cradle- snatcher - nice one! Day 525: Talked Carl into having proper date. Kerry and Luke were there too. Wore my favourite brown checked shirt. Carl hates the shirt, tried to throw up on it, but missed and threw up on Kerry instead. Day 527: Lukey is quite obviously shagging Kerry. Asked Lukey about kissing in office but he says it was a wind-up. One-nil for Kerry. Blah. Day 543: Another new queer PC, Gemma. Acting Superintendent Meadows is opposed to my idea of holding a gay support group in the canteen after 9pm. Luke tried to arrest Carl today over nothing. Carl made a scene in custody suite because he was very disappointed at absence of handcuffs. How much more do I have to put up with? Day 556: Reg had another asthma attack at work. Must talk to Gina a.s.a.p. about benefits of a non-smoking office environment. Will provide number of NHS helpline to quit smoking, maybe that'll get me boy scout points. Day 577: Gina says she likes me but finds me annoying. Don't know what to make of that. Day 584: Carl crashed my Escort last week. Am well pissed off. I really shouldn't have to be walking to work. Luke just got engaged to Kerry. Not only do my feet hurt, my heart is hurting too. Day 613: Luke and Kerry's engagement party. Wore my other favourite checked shirt, the blue one. Spent part of the evening wondering why Kerry and Gina are so keen on taking me clothes shopping next Saturday. Day 616: Carl is such a darling. He promised me to phone Kerry, stir the shit up a bit and tell her that Luke's gay. Day 619: Gina trying to get me to participate in Cop Idol. I turned down her suggestion to sing Welsh national anthem. She insists that I at least choose a Tom Jones track. Carl had better idea, but I put hot coffee mug on his "500 Ayia Napa Club Trax, Vol.3" by mistake. CD melted. Carl very pissed off. ooops. Well done, Craig. Day 621: That bastard Carl. He's got AIDS and didn't tell me. Again Ashton knows more about this than I do. Claims to know it from Kerry, but I don't trust that little bastard. Nick reckons that Luke is shagging Carl behind my back. Then again, Pretty Boy Nick usually has a bad gaydar - plus he's a big gossip queen. Day 623: Am in the clear re:HIV. Good excuse to break up with Carl, because he lied to me. I always knew I only really wanted Lukey anyway. Must hurry as wedding is next week. Day 628: Finally got Lukey into bed, but had to get him drunk first, which had me wrangling with my own high morals. Only disturbed by Gina falling through door, which I opened late at night to find some room service. When questioned, she admitted trying to look through keyhole all night, but couldn't see anything for the darkness. She also complained about a stiff neck. Day 629: I can't believe it, that bastard Ashton went and got married today! Spent most of the day crying into a bottle of Glenfiddich, which is not as easy as it sounds. Not even the prospect of seeing Gina's embarrassed visage every day can make up for it. Day 631: Back at work again. Thank goodness the little two-faced bitch Luke Ashton isn't here. I hope he has a fatal honeymoon accident. Day 658: Am keeping a sick-bucket in my office, as the lovebirds came back today. Pretty Boy Nick was right, Luke is quite dumb. He got hit on by another gay bloke and didn't even notice. Day 665: Luke and Kerry sucking each other's faces off in the corridor. Wish they would at least have the decency to use the stationary cupboard. Day 669: At least Luke could be nice to me - but no, not even that! On top of all this, Kerry is now pregnant. And what about this Joe fella who's still weaseling around Luke? 'Interested in buying the car' - my arse! Day 674: Not even Kerry believes me that Luke is gay. Probably also thinks the earth is flat. Day 682: Lukey slowly and surely sailing down a long river in Egypt. Time to get a transfer, preferably Barton Street nick. I hope PC Davis hasn't forgotten the little encounter he had with me a year ago, in the showers of Stafford Row leisure centre. The End.

(c) Watching Since Woodentop 1996-2007