TITLE:         Urban Myth
AUTHOR:        Claire
RATING:        PG -13, H

DISCLAIMERS:   Not mine, which I find all rather depressing.  But, oh well,
               Thames Television got to'em first.

COMMENTS:      This is a 'Garfield-Bash'.  It is in retaliation for *that*
               scene of him from "Free to Speak?", for dreaming about him and
               for the *images* of him that somebody (no names...) has been
               sending me.  You are right in thinking that this has had a
               scarring effect on me.

Incidentally, if there are any fans of Garfield out there...c'mon, make yourself
heard.  *Stop* me from being so nasty to him.  Deep down I am a nice person and
can listen to reason.


==========
Urban Myth
==========

 Late shift was nearly over.  Tony and Dave sat in the canteen pretending to be
busy. To a casual observer they looked very industrious indeed, heads bowed and
notebooks open in front of them. If the observer had bothered to make a closer
inspection of the scene, they would have discovered that they were actually
playing Hangman.

Dave was one small stroke of the pen off being "hung" when Nick burst through
the doors into the canteen. He looked flushed.  Dave sighed as Nick immediately
made his way over to where they were sitting.

"Fuck. Here comes..."

"You got it!"

"What?"

"The word...it was 'fuck'!"

"Oh. Trust you." Dave looked affectionately at Tony for a second before
continuing. "Here comes Secret Slater...I do hope we look busy enough for
him...now that he is... Ah! Nick...what can we do for you?"

"It's Steve...he's acting really strangely..."

Tony raised an eyebrow and snickered, "So, what else is new? Not offering to
kill Reg again is he?..."

Nick shook his head vigorously, effectively reinforcing the other officers'
opinion of him as being similar to an un-house-trained puppy.

"No...you don't understand, this time he's excelled himself. I was walking down
the corridor when suddenly he came belting past me. I followed him into the
common room just in time to see him disappear under the billiard table..."

"Under the billiard table?"

Dave found the whole scenario a little far-fetched and mentally vowed that if
Secret Squirrel was having him on, he would ensure that he lived to regret it.

"Yes, yes...*under* the billiard table. Come and see for yourselves if you don't
believe me."

Nick walked a small distance away from the table before he turned and gestured
for Tony and Dave to follow him.

"C'mon..."

"Yeah, c'mon, Dave. I've just gotta see this before I believe it."

Tony got up from his chair and waited for Dave as he closed his notebook and put
it in his pocket in a resigned manner. Once they were both up, the pair slowly
walked towards the door that Nick was holding open for them.

"See! There he is..."

Nick was almost *bursting* with enthusiasm as he crouched down and pointed under
the billiard table.

"If this is a joke, Nick, I am going to...oh! shit...Tony, he *is* under
there..."

Dave got down on his hands and knees and peered at his friend.

Steve did not look happy. In fact Steve didn't even look as if he was totally
*there*... Sitting cross legged under the table with wet hair and rather ruffled
clothing, he looked as if he was in shock.  His skin was so pale that it made
his normal pallor look like that of a model advertising the Greek Isles...

"See! I wasn't lying..." Nick crowed triumphantly, changing his tone when he
noticed that Dave was glaring at him.

"Um...wonder what's the matter with him?..."

"Dunno." Tony finally crouched down and joined Dave on the floor. "He's all wet,
his shirt isn't done up properly and...and...he's not wearing any shoes..."

Tony sounded as perplexed as Dave felt and they looked at each other helplessly.
If it hadn't been for the fact that they could see Steve breathing and blinking
occasionally they would have thought that he was dead. He was so still and so
quiet.

Crawling a little closer, Dave prodded Steve with his finger.

"Hey, mate...are you okay?"

No response.

"'Course he's not okay, you pillock, if he was okay he wouldn't be sitting under
this table looking as though he had just been visited by little green men..."

"Thanks for those words of advice, Tone. I now anxiously await your next great
comment..."

Tony only shrugged his shoulders in response.

"Maybe Brownlow groped him or something..."

"*What*?"

Dave was so horrified by Nick's comment that he hits his head on the billiard
table as he looks up at him.

"Um...nothing...just forget I said anything..." Nick blushed as he pretended to
look around the room. "Maybe if we all prod him with snooker cues we can get him
out..."

"How about you don't open your mouth again until you can offer something
constructive?"

The expression on Dave's face as he stated this was enough to make Nick
immediately nod in agreement.

"Good.  Now, Tone, what are we going to do?  We can't leave him here like this,
I mean, what if Reg were to find him?"

"Aaargh...now *that* I don't want to think about.  Hang on..." Tony suddenly had
a brainwave as he thought of some of his less than delightful colleagues...
"You don't think he...nah...he wouldn't...would he?"

"Wouldn't *what*?"

Dave had absolutely no idea what Tony was on about until he watched him mime a
monkey scratching under its arms.  Oh shit, thought Dave, that would explain it.
He mouthed the dreaded word at Tony.

"Well...it's an idea, innit?  I know I felt ill for weeks after I'd seen it..."

Dave nodded slowly as he looked at Tony and, not for the first time, thanked his
lucky stars that he had never been subjected to the horror.

"But...Steve, he knows better.  I mean, he's managed to make it through seven
years without witnessing it...what could have caused him to fall prey to it
now?"

"What are you two talking abo..."

"Shut up, Nick."

Nick's mouth snapped closed as both Tony and Dave shouted this reply to him
within mere milliseconds of each other.

Once he was satisfied that Nick had clearly understood this statement, Tony
turned his attention back to Dave.

"Well, he was assigned with Reg all shift in a Panda, which kinda put him behind
the eight ball already, so to speak, and remember that Reg has just been made
President of his trainspotting faction.  I'm sure he would have just *had* to
tell Steve about it in excruciating detail..."

"I suppose..."

"And the fact that he is all wet would point to a confrontation in the shower-
room...  And remember what happened to the last poor sod who got sprung in
there..."

"He was never the same again, was he?  Never fully recovered..."

The suspense got too much for Nick and he couldn't help blurting out, "What
*are* you talking about?"

Tony sighed as he looked to Dave for approval explain.

"Why not?  He's gotta know sometime and it might as well be from you.  You tell
him, I'm going over to see if I can get some sense out of Steve."

Tony watched Dave disappear under the table before he turned and whispered the
dreaded word to Nick."

"Garfield..."

A feeling of disappointment washed over Nick.  Garfield? What's so bad about
Garfield?, he thought before voicing the same.

Tony sighed again answering him.  "Nothing.  Nothing is wrong with George...as
long as he is fully clothed..."

"Ah...that's nothing but an urban myth...sectionhouse gossip, nothing more..."
Nick had heard the story of George's immense hirsuteness before and didn't
believe it.  "You're making it up."

"I wish I was.  I *still* have nightmares about the time I saw it...and that was
over six years ago.  There I was, in the locker room, minding my own
business...I didn't even know he was in there until I shut my locker door...
Let me tell you, Nick, it was the closest I have ever come to fainting...  I've
honestly never seen anything like it since, not even in the zoo..."

Nick looked at Tony in disbelief, but noticing how glazed his expression was as
he shared his experience, began to believe him.

"You mean...it's *true*??"

He found the whole idea revolting.  The mere thought of it was almost enough to
make him want to join Steve under the billiard table.

"It's true.  Mind you, we only have ourselves to blame in some aspects.  You
see, when Reg was Fed Rep, we formed a united front and made George have a bi-
monthly full body wax.  This worked well for a while but when George became the
Rep he refused to continue and it's simply grown ever since."

Tony noted that Nick was hanging on to every word and lowered his voice before
continuing.

"What's more, from all accounts...he is now *hairier* than when he was when I
saw him.  It's almost as if the wax had a fertilising effect on his body..."

"Oh...gross...poor Steve..."

"Poor Steve, indeed..."

Dave crawled out from under the table and joined the others. Tony and Nick had
been so engrossed in their conversation that they hadn't even heard the
whispered voices coming from under the table.

"Were we right?"  Tony asked the obvious question.

"Yeah..."  Dave answered slowly as he tried to kill the mental image that his
treacherous mind was attempting to flash up in 24 bit True Colour.  "Oh God, it
makes me feel sick even thinking about it..."

"But you are *going* to tell us, aren't you?"

"I don't think you want to know, Tone..."

"Well, if he doesn't, I sure as hell do..."  Nick was getting impatient.

"Fine.  You asked for it."  Dave glared at Nick for a moment before
continuing... " We were right...Steve had just started to dry himself when he
heard someone step out of the other shower.  Without even thinking, he turned
around to see who it was...and it was Garfield...a dripping wet, completely
starkers Garfield..."

"I don't think I want to hear anymore..."  Nick was beginning to look a little
green.

"Tough.  You wanted to know, so I'm gonna tell you... Before his mind could even
register the true horror of what he was witnessing, Garfield shook himself like
a dog. According to Steve, he was then completely dry after this action.  Wiry,
orange hair sticking up all over the place..."

"I think I'm gonna be sick..."  Nick suddenly bolted for the door with his hand
over his mouth.

"I always knew he was spineless," Tony commented as he watched Nick scramble out
the room, before continuing, "No wonder Steve is in shock..."

"It gets worse..."

"How could it possibly get worse?"

"Are you sure you want to know?  I think Steve is going to be scarred for
life...and the thought of it alone is enough to give me the shivers..."

"I probably don't *want* to know...but I *have* to know now...so, tell me..."

"Um...ah...Steve says that Garfield was...oh God, how to say this...*happy* to
see him..."

"What?"  It takes a moment for Tony to comprehend what Dave is telling him.
When it finally dawns on him, his mouth drops open to form a perfect circle.
"You mean...he was...he...?"

Tony didn't have to finish his statement as Dave nodded sadly at him.

"Oh...that is revolting..."

"Steve says he's never seen anything like it.  It was all he could do to pull on
some clothing and bolt from the room.  He also says that he is not overly keen
on wearing jeans without any underwear, in case you are interested..."

"So he's going to be okay then?"  Tony laughed at the last comment and was glad
that Steve seemed to be recovering so quickly.

"Yeah.  I suspect he'll be all right in a while."

"Hang on...how'd you get him to snap out of it?  He looked pretty far gone..."

"Um..."  Dave looked slightly embarrassed, "I prodded him a couple of times and
when that had no effect, I kinda...um...called him 'Baby' and told him that
Uncle Dave would make it all better..."

Tony couldn't respond because he was laughing too much, so Dave continued.

"I knew he was going to be okay because he snapped out of it immediately and he
has threatened that if I ever call him that again he is going to tie me to a
chair, tape my eye lids open and commission George to perform a dance of the
seven veils, or whatever it is called, for me and me alone..."

"Now, that's what I call a threat!"  Tony used the back of his hand to wipe away
the tears of laughter.  "So, now what?

"I'm going to take him home and make sure that he doesn't have a relapse or
anything nasty like that..."

"How positively *kind* of you...  And that's the *only* reason you are taking
him home?"

"Tony!" Dave laughed, "You have a dirty mind..."  He then dropped his voice to a
whisper as he heard Steve begin to crawl over to him, "And you know me *so*
well..."

~end~