Author:      Claire
Pairing:     N/A
Rating:      G, Humour
Category:    Fluff or bollocks, depending on your point of view...
Spoilers:    For the novel 'Hannibal' by Thomas Harris.  Believe it  or not. 
Disclaimers: The joy of ownership of these characters goes to  Thames
             Television.  Not me.

Reasoning:   The latest in my long line of avoidance techniques...   Oh, I
             don't know!   It  started off life as a
             Garfield Bash...
Feedback:    Go ahead.  You can tell me what I should be doing with  my time.
Thanks to:   Mel.  For saying nice things about this mess...

Incidentally, two points of advice...  I meant it about the 'G' rating.  If
you are looking for sex, the don't bother reading this.  Also, this hasn't
been beta'd, so all mistakes are mine and mine alone.


~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
PIGS MIGHT FLY
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~


"All units from Sierra Oscar.  There is a reported sighting of a pig
marauding through Canley Park.  All free units to assist in the search."

Tony smirked as he listened to Sergeant Cryer's message.  A pig running
around Sun Hill.  Whatever next?

"Go on Luke.  Radio in.  We'll have some of that."

"But Tone...," Luke whined and tried desperately to combat rising panic. He
could feel his heartbeat increasing and desperately hoped that he wasn't
beginning to look flushed.  He knew that Tony wouldn't be able to understand
his unwillingness to accept this assignment.  In fact, he would probably
laugh at him.

"But, Tone, nothing.  Radio in.  Anyone would think that you were afraid of
pigs."

Luke sighed as he radioed in.  His concern dissipating a little as Sergeant
Cryer acknowledged his call and told him that Reg and Dave were also on
their way to assist.  Maybe he wouldn't have to get out of the car after
all.  That would be okay.  As long as he didn't have to go anywhere near the
pig he would hopefully be fine.

Tony glanced briefly over at Luke as he expertly turned the Area Car around
and sped off in the direction of Canley Park.  He wondered vaguely what was
wrong with the probationer *this* time but decided that he couldn't really
be bothered asking.  If he did he knew from experience that he would live to
regret it.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Did you *have* to accept this shout Reg?" Dave asked in a tetchy tone as he
drove the Panda slowly around Canley Park, "We should be having refs now.
Not looking for a bloody pig."

"Like looking for a pig in a park..."  Reg snorted in amusement at his lame
attempt at a joke. "You know, instead of like a needle in a haystack, a pig
in a pa..."

"Yeah, I got it." Dave interrupted him and barely managed to contain the
urge to share a few facts of life with Reg - like, how given a choice
between spending a shift with Reg in a Panda or having to caddy for Brownlow
at the Superintendent's golf day, he would choose caddying.  "I simply wasn'
t laughing because it wasn't funny."

"You wouldn't know good humour if it bit you on the bum."

"Coming from you, that doesn't worry me.  Now, have you seen any sign of
this mythical pig yet?"

"Nope.  Maybe it has left the park already."  Reg peered intently out of the
Panda's windscreen for a moment before his attention was tested by another
bit of useless information that popped into his head.  Information that had
to be immediately shared with Dave.

"Do you know that in Australia it is quite common for police to have to
chase kangaroos through suburbia."

"Wonderful, Reg.  Thanks for that.  Now, take a look around you.  In case it
has escaped your attention, we are not in Australia and, well, I can't see
any kangaroos, can you?"

"There's no need to get irate.  I was just sharing some information with
you.  That's all."

Dave bit his tongue in order not to inform Reg that whilst he was not
currently irate he was definitely heading in that direction.

"Look, there's the Area Car.  Let's go over there and maybe we'll do a foot
sweep through the park."

Reg nodded enthusiastically.  "Good idea.  I was just going to suggest
that."

"I bet you were."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Nothing."

With that, Dave turned the car around and drove over to where the Area Car
had just parked.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Here come Dave and Reg.  With four of us we'll be able to search the park
on foot."

"Huh?"  Luke stopped furtively chewing his fingernails and stared at Tony in
horror.  "Ge...get...  get out of the ca... car?"  He stuttered nervously.

"Yeah, you know... walking.  The action of moving ones feet in order to travel
from A to B.  Don't tell me you've forgotten how to do it."

"I'm sorry, Tone, I'm not feeling very well.  I think I'll just sit here."

"What?"

Tony was about to argue with Luke when he noticed for the first time how
pale the probationer looked and how he seemed to be covered in a fine sheen
of sweat.  He looked for all the world like he was having some sort of an
anxiety attack.  Over a pig?  Tony couldn't believe it but decided to just
let it go for the moment.

"Fine.  You stay here."

He got out of the car and walked over to where Dave and Reg were standing
next to the Panda.

"Having fun you two?"

"Oh yeah.  A blast."  Dave scowled over in Reg's direction.  "If you are
really lucky he'll tell you all about the high speed chases in Australia
between police and kangaroos.  In detail."

Reg glared back at Dave in return.  "I'm not going to bother telling you
anything if you are going to be like this."

"Hallelujah.  There is a God after all..."

"Children!"  Tony interrupted the squabble because he could see it easily
continuing all shift otherwise and they still had the pig to find.  "Come
on.  If we split up we might be able to locate it."

"Then what?"

It was now Tony's turn to glare at Reg.  Bloody Reg.  Did he always have to
ask the obvious question?  "I dunno.  I suppose we contain it and wait for
the owner to come and get it...  Yeah?"

"I suppose..."  Dave shrugged his shoulders in resigned agreement.  "Got
anything to add to that Reg?"

"Nope."  Reg shook his head and looked over in the direction of the Area
Car.  "Other than asking what is Luke doing?  Why isn't he out here
assisting the search?"

"Yeah, Tone, what's the matter with him?  You weren't showing off your
driving skills again were you?"

"Ha ha.  Very funny.  I'll have you know that he was fine... well, as fine as
Luke is capable of, until the call about the pig came over the radio.  Then
he went all pale and peculiar.  He claims that he isn't feeling well.  In
all honesty, I have no idea what's the matter with him...  Dave?  Why are you
laughing?"

"I...,"  Dave tried to stop laughing, "I think I might know what is wrong with
him."

Reg looked at Dave suspiciously.  "Come on then, tell us."

"Yeah, come on Dave.  Put us out of our misery."

"I doubt you'll believe me."

"Coming from you, and in respect to Luke, I bet we will," Tony replied with
a laugh.

"Charming.  Well, you know that new Thomas Harris book, Hannibal?  The
sequel to Silence of the Lambs? Yeah?"  Dave waited until both Reg and Tony
nodded their agreement.  "Well, I kinda lent it to Luke and in it there are
this breed of killer pigs..."

"Killer pigs?"  Reg couldn't help but sneer at the thought.  "And you make
fun of what I have to say.  At least I don't read..."

"Shut it Reg and listen to what Dave has to say."

"As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted..." Dave looked pointedly
at Reg for a moment before continuing.  "In the book there are this breed of
killer, cannibalistic actually, pigs that were bred to eat Hannibal Lecter
alive.  I bet Luke is imagining that the pig we are looking for is one of
them..."

Tony digested this theory for a moment and was a little dismayed to realise
that disbelief at it was quickly overridden with acceptance.  Nothing in
regards to Luke had the ability to surprise him any more.  "So, what do we
do about it?" he asked.

For one of the very few times in the history of A Division, Reg couldn't
think of a response.  It wasn't that he didn't believe the story because it
did actually seem rather plausible to him, once he had gotten over the shock
of the thought of Dave reading a book that was, it was just that he didn't
know what to do about it.  He opened his mouth in a natural response to a
question but quickly shut it again when he realised that he had nothing to
say.

Dave looked at the others for a moment before sighing.  "I suppose we can
tell him that the pig actually resembles Babe and is entirely harmless.
That might get him out of the car..."

"But we don't know what the pig looks like."  Reg barely contained the urge
to smile triumphantly -- at last he had something to add.

"Neither does he, you pillock.  Go on Dave.  Give it a go, there's no harm
in trying."

"Okay.  I suppose..."

Tony watched as Dave wandered over to the car before turning his attention
to Reg.  "Come on.  While he's counselling Luke we can start searching."
Without waiting for a response, Tony walked off in the direction of some
dense shrubbery at the edge of the park.

Reg stared at his retreating form for a second before trotting off after
him.  There was no point standing around by himself as that way there would
be no-one to talk to.

Ten minutes later Tony was beginning to regret ever accepting the shout.
There was no sign of the pig.  Reg hadn't shut up and the park seemed to be
full of alleged comedians.  If one more smart arse pointed to Reg and
snickered in response to the question, "Have you seen a pig in the park?" he
was going to hit them.  The only vague positive he could ascertain was that
Dave had succeeded in getting Luke out of the car.  He'd seen them walking
around at the other end of the park.

"That's it!  I give up," Tony exclaimed in response to yet another, "Oink!
Oink!" that was shouted at them by a passer-by.  "Lets go back to the car."

Reg, who was somewhat sick of being referred to as a pig, nodded in
agreement and they turned back towards the cars.

Suddenly there was this horrified shriek and the pair watched in abject
fascination as Luke bolted across the park with a large, dirty, wild looking
sow close behind him.  The sight was so ludicrous that as hard as they
tried, they couldn't resist the urge to laugh.  The sow was huge and seemed
hell bent on becoming acquainted with Luke.  Unfortunately for the sow, Luke
seemed just as hell bent on keeping out of her way.

Tony quickly lost the urge to laugh however as upon reaching the Area Car,
Luke found it locked and in his panic ran up the bonnet and perched himself
on the roof.

The sow, a little miffed at having lost her prey, threw herself at the car
with such force that it rocked on its wheels.  Tony shook his head in
disbelief at the sight and turned helplessly to Reg who looked as shocked as
he felt.  It wasn't every day you got to see a probationer hanging on for
dear life to the lights of an Area Car as a pig tried to get at him...

The pair were so intent on watching the scene before them that they didn't
know that Dave had made his way over to them until he spoke.

"So Tone, what are you more concerned about here?  Your probationer or your
car?"

"The ca...," Tony stopped himself just in time, "Luke.  Of course.  How could
you even ask such a thing?"

"I just wondered.  That was all.  Anyway, what are we going to do now?  I
doubt Luke can hold on much longer and the way that pig is circling the car
is most disconcerting."

"What'd he do to it?  It looks pretty ticked off."  Reg couldn't possibly
think of a way to get Luke out of his predicament before he knew what he'd
done to get into it in the first place.

"As far as I can tell we were wandering around in the shrubbery over there,
Luke was using his truncheon to beat through the undergrowth and he must
have hit it on it's snout.  The first thing I knew about it was this
grunting sound followed closely by Luke shrieking."  Dave sighed as he
finished explaining what most likely happened.  "Now what?"

"I suppose we could go over there..."

Both Dave and Reg quickly shook their heads in response to this.  Neither
man had any inclination to get any closer to the pig then they had to.

"Wimps.  The pair of you.  And don't shrug your shoulders like that or I'm
going to begin to think that you are nothing but marionettes being
manipulated by the same person."  Tony glared at each officer in turn,
secretly quite glad that they didn't want to go over there.  He had no
desire to confront the pig either, not that he'd ever let them know that
though.

As they stood around discussing what to do they were accompanied by an aural
background of the various wails and laments coming from Luke as well as
grunting and snuffling from the sow.

"For God's sake won't someone help me?  Please?  I'm sure it wants to eat
me...  Help me!"

The last cry from Luke was the most plaintive yet and Tony knew that they
had to get him off the car before he gave up and slid off it.

"That's it. Luke's beginning to sound desperate.  We have to do something."

"Call for back-up?"  Reg asked hopefully.

"Yeah, brilliant suggestion, Reg..." Dave tore his attention away from the car
and shot Reg a dark look.  "We'd be the bloody laughing stock of the entire
nick."

Reg, who was used to being the laughing stock of the station didn't much
care anymore and didn't think it was a good enough reason to ignore his
idea.  "Got a better suggestion?"

Dave didn't have a better suggestion, not that he'd admit as such, and
turned his gaze back to the car.  To his horror he saw George Garfield walk
into the park and proceed in the direction of the peculiar scene before
them.

"Shit!  Here comes George.  We'd better stop him before he makes it to the
car or the pig may have a go at him as well..."  When this didn't seem to have
any effect on anyone he continued a little louder, "And I don't think the
roof of the car could handle his weight...  Do you, Tone?"

"Not on your life!"

Tony made a grab for his radio but it was too late.  The sow had spotted
George and was heading for him at the porcine equivalent of full speed.

Reg voiced the opinion of all of the officers.  "I don't think I want to see
this..."

Yet, whether they wanted to watch or not, they could not turn away.  The
prospect of what could happen held them compelled in the most macabre sense.

Not that anything exciting did happen.  In fact, it was almost an
anti-climax.

Upon reaching George - who hadn't budged an inch or looked at all frazzled
at the prospect of becoming pig fodder - the sow slammed on the brakes and
just stood there staring at him.  It was as if she didn't know what to make
of him.  This went on for five minutes.  Man and beast just staring at each
other.  The sight was so strange that even Luke shut up and watched it in
silence.  Eventually the sow seemed to give up, flopped down onto the grass
and fell into a deep sleep.

George smirked, gave the thumbs up signal to the others and walked off in
the direction from whence he came.

"I'll be fucked...  George Garfield, pig whisperer...  I don't know why this
doesn't surprise me."  Dave was the first to break into the stunned silence.

"Watching that little performance was the cherry on the top of my day, I
must say..."  Tony sounded a little stunned but at least he was capable of
speech.  Reg on the other hand just stood there and gaped.  His mouth moving
up and down but no sound coming out.

"Come on Tone, you radio for someone to come and get the pig and I'll go get
Luke down.  The pig looks so out of it that I don't think it is going to
cause any more trouble."

Tony made the call as Dave walked over to the car.  He then prodded Reg in
the ribs until the other man woke up from his stupor and they both walked
over to join Dave.  By the time they got there Luke was off the roof of the
car and sitting in the passenger seat.  The probationer was sporting a
slightly green tinge to his complexion but other than that seemed unscathed
from his experience.

"What are you smiling about?" he asked Dave, who was indeed standing there
grinning broadly.

"Oh, you know...  Today hasn't been a complete waste...  Look at all that we
have learnt.  George has a hidden gift, we now know what seems to shut Reg
up and I've learnt never to lend Luke a book again..."

Tony smiled as he shook his head.  "Oh absolutely.  A brilliant day has been
had by all," he paused and glanced over at the comatose sow, "Perhaps with
the notable exception of the pig."

~end~