JASMINE ALLEY: THE BILL SLASH FICTION

Jasmine Alley : The Lockup : Claire : Mulder's Sun Hill Holiday

TITLE:    Mulder's Sun Hill Holiday
RATING:   PG-13, H
PAIRING:  Not likely!
SPOILERS: Again - not likely

DISCLAIMERS: Only borrowing from Thames Television and Ten-Thirteen Inc -
no long term damage done....

SUMMARY: This is a kinda companion piece to The Morning From Hell and
Kel's Score Draw or Two Can Play and it is a direct result of what can
happen when Kel and I suggest things to each other!! Incidentally, it was
written for Kel.

One last thing. I can make jokes about red heads. I have red hair. I am
part of the conspiracy....

Enjoy

[Image]

Mulder's Sun Hill Holiday

by Claire

==A.D. Skinner's Office==

"You wanted to see me Agent Scully?"

"Yes Sir."

"About Agent Mulder?"

"Yes Sir. I'm worried about him."

"When aren't you worried about Agent Mulder?"

"I'm really serious this time Sir."

"Go on."

"Since he has returned from London he has been acting strangely. Stranger
than usual."

"If you're still on about Phoebe Green then I don't want to know about it."

"*Sir*, this is serious." [pause] "He wants me to dye my hair."

"And why is that Agent Scully?"

"Something to do with red hair being associated with beasts, yeti men... He
says my hair colour reminds him of something that happened in London."

"Oh."

"Can I play you a recording of our conversation?"

"You recorded a conversation between yourself and Agent Mulder?"

"Yes Sir. I'm not proud of it but I knew you wouldn't believe me otherwise.
May I play it?"

"Please do."

--tape starts--

"You look tired Mulder. Did you enjoy your holiday?"

"Mmmm. Sorry, were you talking to me Scully?"

"I asked did you enjoy your trip to London."

"Scully." [pause] "Weird things happened to me in London. Very weird."

"Weird things happen to you everywhere."

[silence] "I stayed in place called Sun Hill. Don't ever go there Scully."

"Why not? What happened?" [pause] "Mulder? Are you all right?"

[long pause] "One night I went for a walk through a park called Canley
Fields. It was near midnight - they have dreadful television over there
Scully - so I decided to go for a walk. As I walked along I suddenly became
aware of a presence."

"A presence?"

"Yeah. A malevolent presence. I felt that it was following me. The next
thing I knew I was lying flat on my back in the grass and this *beast* had
its paw down the front of my jeans. I was terrified. Through the light of
the full moon all I could make out was this ginger coloured coarse fur
covering its whole body. And the stench! It was worse than Tooms' lair. I
was paralysed with fear and all the time it had its paw on my..."

"It didn't," [pause] "Molest you did it Mulder?"

"No. Just as I thought I was going to pass out it moved its paw and grabbed
me by the hair. Hot, fetid breath assailed my nostrils and it grunted at
me. I think it grunted in English, something like, "You no Steve." I was
then pushed back onto the ground and it loped off."

"What did you do?"

"I went back to the Bed and Breakfast to try and think about what happened.
I thought I may have been attacked by an urban British version of the
Jersey Devil. As it turned out I couldn't do much thinking at the B and B
anyway."

"Why's that?"

"The couple in the room next to me were having one hell of a row. I could
hear them through the wall. They were fighting about all sorts of things.
One voice was bemoaning about poxy DIY, there was a reason fucking builders
existed and he was damned if he was going to ruin any more clothes by going
to that hovel that the other called a home. The other voice was going on
about the fact that the other man - they were both male voices Scully - had
no soul and all he cared about was fucking football and he only liked that
because he could perv at the players butt's."

"You seem to remember a lot about their conversation Mulder."

"You know I've got a good memory. Anyway, I finally had enough of this - I
was trying to think about what happened, remember - so I went and knocked
on their door. I was going to tell them to keep it down."

"And did you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

[pause] "They were in...um...costume."

"Costume?"

"Batman and Robin."

"Oh. 60's or 90's?"

"60's, and from what I saw keeping *it* down would have been painful.
Needless to say they weren't impressed to see me. Batman looked like he was
going to punch me. I decided to leave them to it."

"Then what did you do?"

"I went back to my room, took a couple of sleeping pills and went to sleep.
There was nothing else I could do. The last thing I heard before falling
asleep was something about a *Batbrator*. The British are a kinky lot
Scully."

"What about the," [pause] "Beast?"

"When I woke up I decided to go to the local Police Station and make a few
general enquiries."

"Were they pleased to see you?"

"If you'd just let me continue. I presented myself at the front counter of
Sun Hill Police Station and was greeted by a disdainful stare from the
Constable on duty. Tall, thin, blond he was too. I don't know what his
expectations were but I got the feeling that I sure as hell didn't meet
them. He merely grunted at me as I made my way to the counter."

"Get on with it Mulder."

"Don't hurry me. I informed the officer that I wished to talk to somebody
about an incident on Canley Fields. I was going to offer more information
when he cut me off by calling out, "George, come talk to this bloke will
you." You should have heard the contempt in his voice Scully. It was
amazing and the response he got was even more amazing, "Coming Steve." This
voice sounding full of awe and desire. He rolled his eyes at me as I
wondered why the name Steve was so familiar to me. Then, Scully you're not
going to believe this..."

"Try me."

"This...this *officer* came out of a side door and he...it...he was the
beast! I'm not joking. I'd recognise that foul stench anywhere and the
ginger hair."

"You're trying to tell me Mulder that a member of the Metropolitan Police
Force is also a marauding beast."

"Yes."

"I don't believe you, but please, go on. What did you do next?"

"I decided to give up. It was obviously a conspiracy. Cancer man and his
cronies must have followed me to Sun Hill."

"And how did you come up with this brilliant deduction?"

"As I turned to leave I ran into Batman and Robin!"

"In costume?"

"No. In suits and coming from upstairs. They were CID officers. Robin
grinned balefully at me. He had red hair too. I told you...it's a
conspiracy. You have red hair too...are you involved in all this Scully?"

"Calm down Mulder. I'll just get you a cup of coffee."

[silence]

"Here. Drink this."

"Thank you."

[silence]

"What did you put in this Scul.." [snore]

--end tape--

"What did you put in his coffee Agent Scully?"

"Two Mogadon."

"Very good."

"Now do you believe me Sir? He can't go around making allegations about the
British Police Force like this and nor can he continue his crusade against
red heads. He verbally abused a trainee in the corridors this morning all
because he had red hair. I won't stand for it."

"What do you suggest?"

"I hate to say this Sir, but I think this time he needs to be committed. It
is for the best."

"I agree. Will you see to it Agent Scully?"

"Yes Sir."

"Thank you, you can go now. Let me know how he gets on."

"Yes Sir, although I'm afraid he'll be in there a while."

==Outside A.D. Skinner's Office==

"Mulder." [pause] "Why are you wearing a red wig?"

"If you can't beat them, you may as well join them Scully. How do I look?"

~end~


	Jasmine Alley : The Lockup : Claire : Mulder's Sun Hill Holiday
		TITLE: Mulder's Sun Hill Holiday RATING: PG-13, H PAIRING: Not likely! SPOILERS: Again - not likely DISCLAIMERS: Only borrowing from Thames Television and Ten-Thirteen Inc - no long term damage done.... SUMMARY: This is a kinda companion piece to The Morning From Hell and Kel's Score Draw or Two Can Play and it is a direct result of what can happen when Kel and I suggest things to each other!! Incidentally, it was written for Kel. One last thing. I can make jokes about red heads. I have red hair. I am part of the conspiracy.... Enjoy [Image] Mulder's Sun Hill Holiday by Claire ==A.D. Skinner's Office== "You wanted to see me Agent Scully?" "Yes Sir." "About Agent Mulder?" "Yes Sir. I'm worried about him." "When aren't you worried about Agent Mulder?" "I'm really serious this time Sir." "Go on." "Since he has returned from London he has been acting strangely. Stranger than usual." "If you're still on about Phoebe Green then I don't want to know about it." "Sir, this is serious." [pause] "He wants me to dye my hair." "And why is that Agent Scully?" "Something to do with red hair being associated with beasts, yeti men... He says my hair colour reminds him of something that happened in London." "Oh." "Can I play you a recording of our conversation?" "You recorded a conversation between yourself and Agent Mulder?" "Yes Sir. I'm not proud of it but I knew you wouldn't believe me otherwise. May I play it?" "Please do." --tape starts-- "You look tired Mulder. Did you enjoy your holiday?" "Mmmm. Sorry, were you talking to me Scully?" "I asked did you enjoy your trip to London." "Scully." [pause] "Weird things happened to me in London. Very weird." "Weird things happen to you everywhere." [silence] "I stayed in place called Sun Hill. Don't ever go there Scully." "Why not? What happened?" [pause] "Mulder? Are you all right?" [long pause] "One night I went for a walk through a park called Canley Fields. It was near midnight - they have dreadful television over there Scully - so I decided to go for a walk. As I walked along I suddenly became aware of a presence." "A presence?" "Yeah. A malevolent presence. I felt that it was following me. The next thing I knew I was lying flat on my back in the grass and this beast had its paw down the front of my jeans. I was terrified. Through the light of the full moon all I could make out was this ginger coloured coarse fur covering its whole body. And the stench! It was worse than Tooms' lair. I was paralysed with fear and all the time it had its paw on my..." "It didn't," [pause] "Molest you did it Mulder?" "No. Just as I thought I was going to pass out it moved its paw and grabbed me by the hair. Hot, fetid breath assailed my nostrils and it grunted at me. I think it grunted in English, something like, "You no Steve." I was then pushed back onto the ground and it loped off." "What did you do?" "I went back to the Bed and Breakfast to try and think about what happened. I thought I may have been attacked by an urban British version of the Jersey Devil. As it turned out I couldn't do much thinking at the B and B anyway." "Why's that?" "The couple in the room next to me were having one hell of a row. I could hear them through the wall. They were fighting about all sorts of things. One voice was bemoaning about poxy DIY, there was a reason fucking builders existed and he was damned if he was going to ruin any more clothes by going to that hovel that the other called a home. The other voice was going on about the fact that the other man - they were both male voices Scully - had no soul and all he cared about was fucking football and he only liked that because he could perv at the players butt's." "You seem to remember a lot about their conversation Mulder." "You know I've got a good memory. Anyway, I finally had enough of this - I was trying to think about what happened, remember - so I went and knocked on their door. I was going to tell them to keep it down." "And did you?" "No." "Why not?" [pause] "They were in...um...costume." "Costume?" "Batman and Robin." "Oh. 60's or 90's?" "60's, and from what I saw keeping it down would have been painful. Needless to say they weren't impressed to see me. Batman looked like he was going to punch me. I decided to leave them to it." "Then what did you do?" "I went back to my room, took a couple of sleeping pills and went to sleep. There was nothing else I could do. The last thing I heard before falling asleep was something about a Batbrator. The British are a kinky lot Scully." "What about the," [pause] "Beast?" "When I woke up I decided to go to the local Police Station and make a few general enquiries." "Were they pleased to see you?" "If you'd just let me continue. I presented myself at the front counter of Sun Hill Police Station and was greeted by a disdainful stare from the Constable on duty. Tall, thin, blond he was too. I don't know what his expectations were but I got the feeling that I sure as hell didn't meet them. He merely grunted at me as I made my way to the counter." "Get on with it Mulder." "Don't hurry me. I informed the officer that I wished to talk to somebody about an incident on Canley Fields. I was going to offer more information when he cut me off by calling out, "George, come talk to this bloke will you." You should have heard the contempt in his voice Scully. It was amazing and the response he got was even more amazing, "Coming Steve." This voice sounding full of awe and desire. He rolled his eyes at me as I wondered why the name Steve was so familiar to me. Then, Scully you're not going to believe this..." "Try me." "This...this officer came out of a side door and he...it...he was the beast! I'm not joking. I'd recognise that foul stench anywhere and the ginger hair." "You're trying to tell me Mulder that a member of the Metropolitan Police Force is also a marauding beast." "Yes." "I don't believe you, but please, go on. What did you do next?" "I decided to give up. It was obviously a conspiracy. Cancer man and his cronies must have followed me to Sun Hill." "And how did you come up with this brilliant deduction?" "As I turned to leave I ran into Batman and Robin!" "In costume?" "No. In suits and coming from upstairs. They were CID officers. Robin grinned balefully at me. He had red hair too. I told you...it's a conspiracy. You have red hair too...are you involved in all this Scully?" "Calm down Mulder. I'll just get you a cup of coffee." [silence] "Here. Drink this." "Thank you." [silence] "What did you put in this Scul.." [snore] --end tape-- "What did you put in his coffee Agent Scully?" "Two Mogadon." "Very good." "Now do you believe me Sir? He can't go around making allegations about the British Police Force like this and nor can he continue his crusade against red heads. He verbally abused a trainee in the corridors this morning all because he had red hair. I won't stand for it." "What do you suggest?" "I hate to say this Sir, but I think this time he needs to be committed. It is for the best." "I agree. Will you see to it Agent Scully?" "Yes Sir." "Thank you, you can go now. Let me know how he gets on." "Yes Sir, although I'm afraid he'll be in there a while." ==Outside A.D. Skinner's Office== "Mulder." [pause] "Why are you wearing a red wig?" "If you can't beat them, you may as well join them Scully. How do I look?" ~end~

(c) Watching Since Woodentop 1996-2007