Title:             Jerry Springer: "Workplace Crushes"
Author:            Augustus
Email:             gaius_octavius_@hotmail.com
Slash/Fanfic Page: http://go.to/fabulae
Fandom:            The Bill
Pairing:           It's Springer, so anything could happen, but
                   the characters involved are Tom, Rod & John.
Rating:            PG. No swearing, just beeps *g*
Status:            New, complete
Category:          AU, Parody.
Series:            The second in the "Dollar Bills" series.
                   They're all  stand-alones, though.
Archival:          All official list archives are fine. Anyone
                   else just  ask. I'm not about to say no *g*
Warnings:          I watch too much daytime T.V. And make no
                   apology for  it. Such is the life of a
                   student *g*
Feedback:          I live for it *g*. Email or onlist.
                   Whatever *g*.
Summary:           If The Bill was American - take two.

Disclaimer:        The Bill belongs to Pearson Television who are
                   being  very nasty at the moment and letting all
                   of the best characters  leave the series, while
                   replacing them with ugly Clare Stanton  types.
                   when they stop doing *that*, I *might* be
                   convinced to stop  doing *this*. Jerry Springer
                   belongs to himself, as does Steve the bald
                   bouncer,  but I'm sure the show belongs to some
                   American production company  or another.
                   Whomever *does* hold the copyright should
                   forget about suing me, and think about making
                   this show happen!!!




************************************
Jerry Springer: "Workplace Crushes"
************************************



(The camera flits back and forth over a crowded audience, which is
shouting "Jerry! Jerry!" repeatedly. Finally, it picks out Jerry
Springer himself amongst the screaming hordes. Fiddling with his
cue-cards, he turns to the camera and smiles patronisingly.)

JERRY: Hello, and welcome. On today's show, we will be talking to
men who have secret crushes on their work-mates. One of these men
is D.C. Tom Proctor.

(The camera shot switches to a semi-close-up of Tom himself.)

TOM:  (Grinning broadly) Hi Jerry!

JERRY: Hi. (He takes a look at his cards.) Now, Tom, you have a
secret crush on fellow D.C., Rodney Skase, is that right?

TOM:  That's right, Jerry.

(There is a murmur amongst the crowd. Despite the fact that almost
every surprise revelation on Springer is something to do with a
same-sex crush or affair, the audience still acts surprised and
shocked every time.)

JERRY: (To the audience) Yes, yes, calm down. Tom has a crush on
his work-mate - who just happens to be another man. (To Tom) So,
tell us what makes this guy so fantastic.

TOM: (Sounding as though he's completely besotted.) Well, he's  just
so goddamn pretty!

(The audience applauds.)

TOM: He may not be the smartest man at work, but he's the epitome
of tall,  dark and handsome.

JERRY: He sounds like a real catch.

TOM: Oh, he is. And he knows it. I always *have* been a sucker for
men with big egos.

JERRY: (Aside.) Thank god it's only big egos he's looking for!

(The audience roars its approval, before launching into a few
seconds' worth of "Jerry! Jerry!".)

JERRY: (To Tom) And you're going to let Rod know how you feel  about
him *today*, is that right?

TOM:  (Nervously.) Yeah.

JERRY: Okay! Let's bring him out! Please give a warm welcome to
D.C. Rod Skase!

(The crowd roars as Rod stalks onto the stage, strutting about and
blowing kisses to everyone in the crowd. As he sits down, he
searches for Springer amongst the audience.)

ROD:  Oh, there you are. Hi Jerry!

JERRY: Hi and welcome to the show, Rod. (He takes a glance at his
cards.) Do you know this man beside you?

(Rod looks over at Tom and nods before turning back to Jerry.)

ROD:  Yeah. That's Tom. We work together.

JERRY: And is that all there is to your relationship?

ROD:  I guess we're friends, if that's what you're talking about.

JERRY: (Raising his hands in an over-the-top gesture of
uncertainty.) Hey!  Why would *I* know what I'm talking about? I'm
just the host, right?

(The audience roar.)

JERRY: Tom has brought you here today, Rod, because he has
something that he wants to tell you. (He turns to Tom.) Go ahead,
Tom.

(Tom turns in his head so that he's facing Rod. Shyly, he grabs  his
co-worker's hand.)

TOM: Uh, Rod, I brought you on Jerry today because I wanted to  tell
you something.

ROD:  Yeah?

TOM: I…… (He pauses for a second or two.) I - I have a crush on
you.

(The audience all applauds as the camera zooms in for a close up  of
Rod's reaction. He's smirking, as if he's not at all  surprised.)

JERRY: And what's your reaction to that, Rod.

ROD: (Casting a glance at Tom, who has dropped his hand.) I had a
feeling he might like me as more than a friend. (He grins at the
audience and shrugs.) It's just the ol' Skase charisma, I suppose!

(The audience cheers.)

JERRY: You don't seem too worried about this revelation, Rod. Do
you think there's any future for you and Tom?

ROD: Well, I'm actually already in a relationship at the moment,
Jerry.

(Jerry takes another look at his cards before continuing.)

JERRY: Let's bring out Rod's current boyfriend now, shall we? He's
been listening backstage. Please welcome D.S. John Boulton - Rod's
partner and both men's superior officer at work!

(The crowd goes wild at this revelation. John runs onto the stage
and immediately throws himself at Tom. The two struggle a little,
knocking over several chairs, before Steve and his fellow bouncers
step in to break it up. The audience screams insanely.)

JERRY: Calm down! Remember, you're on national television.

JOHN: (Panting) BEEP! national television!

JERRY: Come on, John, sit down. Do you really want all of America
to see you acting like this and speaking like that?

JOHN: I don't give a BEEEEEP!

(Steve physically picks up the considerably shorter John and
*places* him in his allocated chair - which has luckily been
righted by one of the other bouncers. Now that Boulton's seated,
Tom sits down of his own accord. Rod looks quite pleased with
himself for having promoted such a scuffle.)

JERRY: I'm going to have to ask you to calm down, John.

JOHN: (Glaring at Tom.) I'm calm, I'm calm.

JERRY: Okay then, Rod -

(He pauses, as John quickly pulls off one of his shoes and hurls  it
at Tom, who catches it right in the middle of his left cheek  bone.)

TOM:  You're BEEEEEP! -ing insane!

JOHN: BEEEEEP! you, you hoochie ho!

TOM:  Talk to the hand, loser.

(Steve heads back up on the stage to collect the shoes of everyone
up there,  to prevent any further incidents.)

JERRY: I'm coming up there. Stay in your seats. I don't want to  get
hurt - I'm a coward.

(The audience roars at one of Jerry's most over used 'witticisms'.
Jerry does as he predicted and wanders up onto the stage.)

JERRY: Now, John, could you - *calmly* - tell us why you're angry
with Tom.

JOHN: The ho's trying to steal my man!

JERRY: But surely it's Rod who this is all about? Why don't you  ask
*him* what he wants from this situation?

JOHN: I don't need to. (He throws a dirty look at Tom.) My man's
not interested in hood-rats like Proctor over there.

JERRY: Is that true, Rod?

ROD: (Evasively.) It's not that I don't *like* Tom, Jerry. He's a
nice guy and everything, but I'm with John.

JERRY: Tom - how do *you* feel about that?

TOM: (Shrugging) I knew he and John were together, so I wasn't
really expecting anything more.

JERRY: Why did you come here, then?

TOM:  I guess I just wanted things out in the open.

(Jerry wanders back up into the crowd.)

JERRY: I think it's time for some questions from the audience.

(He gestures for a white-trash woman to take the microphone. She
grins at the camera with an almost toothless mouth. Her mousy  roots
are almost as long as the oily blond remainder of her hair.)

WOMAN: My question is for Rod. If you *weren't* with John, would
you go out on a date with Tom or something?

JERRY: Rod?

(Rod looks in disgust at the ugly woman he is being forced to  speak
to.)

ROD: Look, I don't know. I haven't thought about it. I *am* with
John, so it's not exactly an issue.

WOMAN: But do you find Tom attractive?

(Rod gives the younger DC an appraising look.)

ROD:  Yeah, he's okay.

JOHN: (Jumping up.) You bitch!

(Rod stands too and tries to calm him down.)

ROD: Oh, don't be so jealous, John. You were only saying  *yourself*
the other day that you liked the tight pants he was  wearing at
work.

JOHN: (Growling.) That's different.

ROD: (Getting angry himself.) Why? Why is it different? Because
you're allowed to ogle whoever you want to, but I have to look at
*you* 24/7? Is that it?

JOHN: (Shrugging) I have no problem with that.

(Glaring at each other, they are persuaded to sit down by Steve.)

JERRY: It seems to me, Rod and John, that Tom's not the *only*
cause of trouble in your relationship. Am I right?

ROD:  Well, we have our problems, but that's normal.

JOHN: Exactly.

JERRY: Do you love each other.

JOHN: Of course.

JERRY: Rod?

ROD:  (Evasively) Well, yeah, I *do* love him.

JERRY: But?

ROD: I guess it's just that he can be so bossy. It’s like he
forgets that we're not at work anymore and that he's not my
superior when we're at home.

(John stifles an amused titter. Obviously he has different ideas
about that.)

ROD: And he's really possessive too. Look at how he's acting  today.
He has to learn that I wouldn't *be* with him if I were  interested
in anyone else.

JERRY: What's your response to that, John?

JOHN: (Shrugging) I'm a jealous person. Rod knew that when he
agreed to go out with me.

ROD:  (Turning to John.) I just wish that you'd learn to trust me,
John.

JOHN: I suppose I do, really.

JERRY: How about another question from the audience?

(This time he chooses an overweight black man who is wearing a  too-
tight baseball style tee-shirt with the word "player"  emblazoned on
the front.)

MAN:  John, you like Tom too, right?

JOHN: (Shrugging) He has a nice arse. And he lets me boss him
around as much as I want to.

MAN:  Well then, it's easy. Why don't you all just have a
threesome?

(The audience cheers madly. Obviously they like this idea.)

ROD:  I'd be up for it if John didn't mind.

JERRY: Tom, what about you? We know you have feelings for Rod, but
what do you think about your sergeant?

TOM: Well, I've never really thought about him in that way. But if
it meant that I got to be with Rod……

(The audience gets even louder and begins the call of "Jerry!
Jerry!" once again.)

JOHN: Hey, I'm not too sure about this!

JERRY: No? Why not, John?

JOHN: Well, I just get the feeling that it's going to end up with
Rod and Tom going for it and me left on the side having to just
watch the whole thi……

(He breaks off as an evil smile begins to form on his face.)

JOHN: You know, maybe we can work something out.

JERRY: (Aside) He's a regular humanitarian.

(The audience laughs loudly and annoyingly.)

JERRY: We've got to go to an ad, but before we do, Tom, do you
think this was all worth it?

TOM:  Hell yeah!

(The audience begins an endless cry of "Jerry! Jerry!". Jerry
speaks over the top of them.)

JERRY: After the break, a probationer reveals a secret crush
directed at his very own puppy walker.

(The camera zooms back as Jerry wanders through the audience and
out of sight. Cut to ad.)



{FIN}

Augustus, 15-08-2000