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Title: B * I * L * L
Author: Augustus
Email: gaius_octavius_@hotmail.com
Slash/Fanfic Page: http://go.to/fabulae
Fandom: The Bill
Pairing: Stamp and Ashton.
Rating: PG for melodramatic violence.
Status: New, complete
Category: AU, Parody.
Series: The "Dollar Bills" series.
This is the first and there will be
at least two others.
Archival: All official list archives are fine.
Anyone else just ask. I'm not about
to say no *g*
Warnings: I make an effort *not* to watch
shows like this so authenticity may
be lacking. This is rather
melodramatic. Hell, it's the genre *g*
Feedback: I live for it *g*.
Email or onlist. Whatever *g*.
Summary: What would happen if The Bill was
American?
Disclaimer: The Bill belongs to Pearson Television who are
being very nasty at the moment and letting all of the
best characters leave the series, while replacing them
with ugly Clare Stanton types. When they stop doing
*that*, I *might* be convinced to stop doing *this*.
********** B * I * L * L **********
(The screen remains black except for the letters "B * I *
L * L" etched in a flaming script in the centre of the
screen. Loud sirens and squealing brakes fade to a
melodramatic voice over.)
VOICEOVER: Two am, Sunday morning. Most of New York's
residents are asleep in their beds, but criminals never
sleep. Neither can the police force.
(The black screen is gradually replaced by a shaky shot of
a city street at night, a date and time stamp in the
lower left- hand corner. Various stereotypically
undesirable types linger on the pavements.)
VOICEOVER: The night is the realm of those who flaunt the
rules and values of society. While decent citizens sleep,
prostitutes flaunt their wares, drug addicts score
themselves a hit and thieves steal our hard earned
possessions. The only thing standing in their way is the
law and those who uphold it - the Bill.
This is their story.
(A police car roars into shot, pulling up beside a
prostitute who snarls and disappears into the shadows.
Two policemen get out and walk towards the camera. Stamp
is in his early forties and rather plumpish. Ashton looks
as though he should still be in school and is skinny with
spiked hair.)
STAMP: This is P.C. Ashton's first night on the beat.
(Ashton nods his agreement.)
STAMP: We're hoping for a quiet one. But you can't count
on the streets of New York for an easy ride.
ASHTON: (His voice wavering a little, permanantly
confused look etched upon his face.) I can handle
whatever's out there, Tone.
STAMP: Of course you can.
(Conveniently, their radios choose this moment to start
blaring directions.)
RADIO: (More static than understandable syllables) Corner
of first and fifth. Armed robbery in progress. Anyone
free to deal?
(Ashton casts a questioning look in Stamp's direction. The
older officer nods his assent.)
ASHTON: Show us dealing.
(They jump into the car and the shot switches to an
internal, over-the-shoulder view. Stamp speaks to the
audience as he drives, casting an occasional look over
his shoulder and invariably running over a few hapless
pedestrians whenever he does so. Ashton concentrates on
looking confused.)
STAMP: Armed robbery is a dangerous business. You never
know *who* you're dealing with. It could be a lunatic
with an Uzi, but there's no turning back once you've
accepted the call. Danger is just part of the job when
you're a New York copper. In time you grow to love it.
PC Ashton, here, is a little nervous because it's only his
first day, but I have confidence in his abilities.
ASHTON: Thanks, Tone. (Do I detect something more than
mere hero-worship in his voice?)
STAMP: Besides, we look after our own. The criminals may
have their illegal arms, but we're packing heat ourselves
- and we have the law behind us.
ASHTON: That's what makes the risk worthwhile - the
knowledge that you're doing your part to make America the
great nation that it is.
STAMP: (Nodding sagely) That's right, Luke. You always
know just where - uh - I mean *how* - to put things.
(In a scream of rubber on asphalt, the car pulls up in
front of a Quik-E-Mart. The only signs of life are a dark
panel van in front of the automatic doors and a loud,
high-pitched screaming that seems to be coming from
inside the store.)
STAMP: We’re here. It's crunch time, Luke. Good luck.
(Ashton nods his thanks as Stamp raises the car radio to
his mouth.)
STAMP: (Into the radio) We're at the Quik-E-Mart. It's not
sounding good. You'd better get some more bodies here -
pronto.
(Replacing the radio, Stamp nods to camera.)
STAMP: The calvary will be here soon. But we can't afford
to wait. We’re going in.
(They climb out of the car, grabbing guns from their belts
and head into the store. The camera follows, jolting up
and down as the camera person runs after them.)
STAMP: (Yelling, as the enter the store.) Police!
(There are several loud shots, more screams and an awful
lot of dry-ice-like smoke.)
STAMP: Give yourself us! There's no way out! We have you
surrounded!
(The sound of sirens coming from the car park bears
testimony to this fact.)
CRIM: (Appearing from behind a display of Oreos. There is
a bullet hole through the forehead of the young smiling
child in the advertising photograph.) You'll never take
me alive!
ASHTON: Don't be a fool. It doesn't have to come to that.
CRIM: What would you know? You're only a child.
ASHTON: I'm nineteen.
CRIM: Not too young to die, then……
(He turns and fires, just as six more armed police
officers [Quinnan, Garfield, Harker, Hollis, McCann &
Hagen] burst through the doors. There is more smoke and
the camera wobbles drastically so that the action is
lost. There is a moment of static. When the picture
clears, the camera is focused on the prone body of
Ashton. A large red stain is spreading across the blue of
his shirt.)
STAMP: Luke! Noooooooo!
(There is chaos as the newcomers rush in to arrest the
bandit. While this is going on in the background, Stamp
falls to the ground, kneeling beside Ashton.)
STAMP: Luke? Luke? Can you hear me?
(There is a slight movement from the injured police man,
but no verbal acknowledgement.)
STAMP: This is all my fault!
(His expression hardens and he slowly rises to his feet,
pushing away Hagen and Harker as they move to restrain
him. Raising his gun, he grins maniacally at the
criminal.)
STAMP: You killed Luke, you bastard.
CRIM: (Insolently) He should have stayed at home with his
mummy like a good little boy.
STAMP: (Slowly and scarily.) You're right, you know. They
won't take you alive.
(He shoots - and again - and again. The criminal falls to
the ground, his chest a mass of bullet holes and blood.
His mission accomplished, Stamp returns to Ashton's side,
clutching the young policeman's hand.)
STAMP: Hold on, Luke. An ambulance is on the way.
(Ashton's eyes flicker open. The camera zooms in on his
face, losing focus in the process of doing so.)
ASHTON: (Weakly.) No…… time……
STAMP: Of course there is! (Trying to sound optimistic.)
It's just a flesh wound.
(Ashton shakes his head slowly.)
ASHTON: No…… good…… bye….. love…… you……
(His eyes close and his head falls to one side.)
STAMP: Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(The camera pauses on Stamp and Ashton's body before
gradually panning out to show the destruction of the
Quik-E-Mart. Hollis is attempting to dispose of the
criminal's body in the Slurpee machine. Quinnan is
attempting to pry open the plastic of a porn magazine.
Hagen is flirting with Harker. Garfield and McCann are
eating doughnuts. No one seems too fazed by Ashton's
death.
Jumpily, the camera angle moves towards the street and
clumsily focuses on the flashing lights on top of Stamp's
car. The noise of the incident fades as we are greeted,
once more, by the annoying voice of the voice over.)
VOICEOVER: Another night on the streets of New York,
another brave young life spent in the pursuit of justice.
(There is a slight pause, before he resumes, his voice
considerably chirpier.)
VOICEOVER: Next week on "B * I * L * L", we witness a
thrilling car chase through the streets of New York.
Don't miss it. Goodnight.
(The credits roll.)
{FIN} Augustus, 13th August, 2000
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